Velvet Lips | How to Avoid the Sexual Sociopath
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How to Avoid the Sexual Sociopath

04 Feb 2015, by Marla Stewart in Sex Arsenal Blog

Sociopath: a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. – (my favorite!)

What made me think of sociopaths, you say? Well, let’s just say that I’ve come across a couple of them recently and felt the need to get this message out. I’ve been listening to The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us by Martha Stout, PhD and it has taught me so much! Number one, it has helped me significantly find who the sociopaths are in my life and what’s worse is the fact that they wouldn’t even know who they are because of their intense narcissism! …But I’ll get to that later…

A sexual sociopath is a person with the qualities of a sociopath, but strongly relatable in a sexual sense. You’ve probably come across a sexual sociopath and you didn’t even know it. Apparently, 1 in 25 people are sociopaths, and since I know A LOT of people, the chances of me knowing a sociopath grows exponentially. If you are a person who knows a lot of people, the chances that you might come across a sexual sociopath is going to be great. The issue is recognizing if they are a sexual sociopath and having a type of awareness of what’s currently happening in your present state.

For instance, the sexual sociopath is going to be very charming, probably good-looking/attractive and have the gift of gab. They will do their best to convince you that you should have sex with them. They don’t see it as sexual coercion; they see it as getting down to your deeper desires and your desires include them having sex with you and you wanting it. You know this person…they say phrases such as “you know you want it,” “I want to make you feel good and give you what you want” or anything along those lines. It’s a sort of soft coercion that doesn’t seem as predatory as some other people that you may have come across. Battling this type of speech is difficult (especially for me because I’m such a nice person ;)), so the easiest way to get out of this situation is to just leave. They will just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and if your moral compass is pointing in another direction, you need to follow that moral compass. Sexual sociopaths don’t have the same moral compass because essentially they lack the type of consciousness that a lot of us possess. They become merely self-serving. For most of us, when someone tells us “no,” we leave it alone. We might push once or twice, but ultimately, we deal with the rejection. For a sexual sociopath, this is a challenge that they are willing to take on and will do their best to dominate and/or humiliate you.

Sexual sociopaths are also pathological liars. They lie – like, all the time. They can pass lie detector tests because lying comes so easily to them. The problem with this is that as a non-sociopath, you will question yourself because you believe that you are right at some point in time. The sociopath never questions their ideas or their behavior. Everything is always justified. When it comes to the bedroom, they could lie about having an STD, lie about what kinds of things they like in bed or lie about how many sexual partners they’ve had. Even though some of the lies might be little lies, it’s A LOT of little lies and the real problem of not being able to tell the truth. This can be coupled with sexual irresponsibility and/or unreliability and being secretive. If a person lies to you more than 3 times, it’s time for you to get out of the situation (hopefully, you can find out if they’re lying or not).

A sexual sociopath will:

• Try to charm the skirt/pants off of you by talking you into having sex with them
• Want to dominate or humiliate you
• Be the center of attention during sex and wants only their fantasies fulfilled
• Say that they are sexually enlightened or say that you are sexually enlightened with them to create “We’re better than those people” kind of mentality
• Lie about the last time they were tested, lie about how many partners they’ve been with or lie about anything sexual, in order to please you
• Have no exes or other sexual partners as current friends
• Possibly perform sexual coercion/rape/molestation without any remorse, shame or guilt (and will most likely deny they’ve done any of the above)
• Lack sexual emotional connection with their lovers, but will test their lovers to see if the lover will have an emotional connection towards them
• Talk about love, but unable to give or receive it in a genuine way
• Lack sexual empathy
• Be a sex addict or request for sex without any chance for possible compromise
• Have been sexual bullies/predators as a child or as a young teen
• Be sexually irresponsible and/or unreliable (do YOU have the condoms?)
• Move around frequently or move in with other people constantly and not being able to be sexually stable in their whereabouts

I know that there’s a lot of these qualities that pertain to the sexual sociopath, but honestly, this is just the first layer. You would think that sexual sociopaths are on the genius scale, but honestly, they’re people of average intelligence with thoughts of grandeur and have the gift of gab to convince you otherwise.
If this list sounds like your lover, then chances are you need to get out as soon as possible. Although I’m all about trying to make relationships work, sociopaths are people who are essentially energy vampires and will suck you dry for everything you have. They are spiritual vampires. They are financial vampires. They are emotional vampires. They are sexual vampires.

They are not worth your sanity.

Here are the steps to get away from a sexual sociopath:

1) Distance yourself from them as soon as possible. If you can cut them off and block their number, this would be best. If you are married, move out with a friend they don’t know or a family member you can trust that will not be able to be manipulated by them.

2) Put up your emotional guard when you’re around them. Don’t EVER show them what you’re really feeling because they will take advantage of it and use it in whatever way they can. Don’t show them happiness or that you’re upset at anything they say.

3) Don’t believe everything they say. Fact check them. If they say they have had sex with a certain person, check with that person and see if it’s true. They will try to push your buttons in any way, so remember to keep your guard up and don’t trust everything they say.

4) If you’re involved with a conversation with them, stay neutral and diplomatic. Try not to rile their buttons or feed into their grandeur.

5) NEVER share your personal information. If you’ve shared information in the past with them, CHANGE IT if you can.

My hope for you is that you see what a sexual sociopath looks like and how you can avoid them as soon as possible. These people are dangerous for your health and I’m all about staying healthy, especially sexually healthy, so that we can make great decisions for our lives.

Cheers to your sexual success!