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For some of you, the wind just has to blow and you are automatically excited and ready to have sex. For the rest of you, it might not come as easy. Maybe you’re having a “low-desire” episode in your life or maybe that new relationship energy has worn off and you aren’t as excitable as you used to be. A lot of people have tension around getting sexually aroused when they are partnered. And, I’ve also noticed that when someone isn’t partnered and they feel that they’ve lost their sexual mojo, it’s quite clear that they truly have. 

Getting back your sexual energy requires patience, but once that cycle is up, it keeps spiraling up, so it’s good to have some strategies to increase your libido.

If you don’t have a steady lover, it’s good to masturbate and think about things that are pleasurable to you. If you have porn, use it every once in a while to help you get aroused; however, don’t get dependent on it because it actually changes your brain function. Think about the most pleasurable moments in your life that you felt sexually secure and genuinely sexy. In addition, it’s extremely sexy to have a passion in your life. No matter what it is, doing something with your life that you are passionate about helps your libido in all kinds of ways. Once people see how motivated you are by your passion, they also get inspired and that energy tends to resonate from the inside of you. For those of you who struggle to find your passion, take the time to figure it out. You will be glad you did. 

Another way to get your sexual desire back is to create emotional bonds. The way you do that is by hugging people. And not just hugging them for a half second and patting them on the back; I mean, go in with two full arms tight and loving. Often times, we don’t hug people (like our coworkers) because of the fear of what they may think (or some fear of sexual harassment). Get over it the best way you can. When you hug people out of pure love (with no other intention), people feel it. And once you have created that emotional bond, it’s easier to talk to them and get to know them a little bit better than you knew what was possible. 

If you have a steady lover, get those hugs in every day. And not just 2-second hugs. I mean 20-second hugs where you are holding tight, grabbing their butt and pushing it into your pelvis. Intensifying this hug jolts your sexual energy and helps you get back on the right track of your bringing together your sexual connection.

Make out/French kiss/Kiss tenderly with your partner at least once a week. Don’t kiss when you want to have sex, but rather kiss without any other intention. In addition to a passionate kiss at least once a week (which will turn into more), you need to make a kissing part of your routine. Whether it’s a kiss when you leave each other and come back again or whether it’s when you wake up and go to bed. Make kissing a part of your routine. That way, it won’t feel awkward when the passionate kissing happens. More likely, it will be an excitable kiss – especially since you have a nerve that connects your upper lip to your genitals. 

Another way to bring up your arousal level is to do love proclamations. Not only does this mean saying “I love you” to your lover every day, but also acting out your love proclamations. What appeals to your lover the most as far as love desires. Do these and incorporate moments of erotic intentional touch. Sometimes it takes more work than anticipated, but remember, love is patient, so once you start acting and being ‘love,’ your partner will reciprocate those actions (without them really noticing, either!).

Do you have a sexy playlist that you like that makes you feel sexy every time? If not, create one! Music helps with releasing endorphins and helping you to reduce your amount of stress. In addition, the right music will get you in the mood. Whether it’s the melody or the lyrics, you can find the right song to stimulate you. If you want to take it a step further, think about a song that you and your partner made love to or danced to where you felt that fire. Thinking back to the times when you first got aroused by your partner also help to re-ignite some of those old sparks to get them to be active again.

The fact is, you have to put in a little bit of effort and have a little bit of patience if you want to ignite your sexual sparks. In today’s culture, we thrive on “instant” and if something takes too long, we tend to give up easily. My advice: take the time and don’t give up on the love for yourself and the love for other people. Leaving or giving up is the easiest route to go, but the rewards are greater when you get through obstacles instead of leaving the course.