Last week, I came across a Facebook post in a group that said that gender is dependent on someone’s genitals.  As you can imagine, that horrified me because I teach this every semester to my students at the university, and to actually know that some grown people didn’t know the difference shocked me, AND didn’t shock me at the same time.  As a person who is in the sexuality field, it’s vital that we know the differences between these things, and most of all, that we teach others what the differences are between these things.

At the same time, my wife went through a job training and she told me that she wished that I was there because someone had said something that she knew was way off.  The person, who was above her in rank, stated, “There are only two genders, male and female. I don’t know what the fuss is about. You can only be in one or the other.”

There are so many things wrong with this sentence, so I’m going to break things down, as simply as I can.  For more detailed information and see how you would fill out your gender chart you can go HERE.

SEX refers to female (XX with vagina/vulva), male (XY with penis), or intersex (varieties of chromosomal and physical differences).  Intersex folks have a variety of sex characteristics, but for the most part, there are over 17 types of intersex people and it occurs pretty often (between 1 and 1500 to 2000 births). More information can be found HERE. Sex is biological, but can also be physical because of how we have socially constructed what determines female or male.

A lot of people mix up SEX with GENDER or GENDER IDENTITY.  GENDER IDENTITY has to do with whether or someone identifies as a girl, boy, child, woman, man, trans, non-binary, etc.  It’s an identity and it’s the labels that we use for ourselves.  Just because someone has a vagina, it doesn’t mean that they identify as a woman.  They might identify as a man, non-binary, trans, etc.  These are the labels they put on themselves and so you should respect that label, whether you agree with it or not.  How would you like someone telling you who you are and how you should identify?  I’m sure you wouldn’t like it.

GENDER is a spectrum of femininity and masculinity.  Some of us, including myself, love the polarity of gender or the mixing of gender, and it is often found in our GENDER PRESENTATION.  Do you dress feminine or masculine or a mix of both?  As a society, we’ve decided that certain types of clothing is feminine and masculine (usually in girls/boys and woman/man sections in the clothing store).  Although our presentation is the way that we show people our gender and/or gender identity, we are often inundated with gendered stereotypes of how we should act and behave according to our femininity and masculinity.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION/IDENTITIES can refer to who we are physically and/or emotionally attracted to and/or how we behave sexually.  There are many sexual orientations and many orientations fall under certain sexuality umbrellas.  Traditionally, we have had heterosexual, lesbian/gay, and bisexual identities.  However, there are identities such as queer (non-normative), asexual (lack of sexual attraction [not behavior]), and other identities that involve having consensual sex with a person that are dependent on emotions, intelligence, etc. You can have as many sexual identities as you see fit; no one else can tell you what your sexual orientation or identity is.

Now that I’ve armed you with some real information, it’s important to note that we can and we can’t make assumptions about how people live their lives and how they identify.  Should we assume?  No.  Do we assume?  Yes.  However, it’s best to get folks pronouns (she/he/they/their name/etc.) if you’re going to be talking about them and not to them.

As some of you have probably noticed, I never say “woman” or “man” unless I actually mean it.  Most of our characteristics are a blend of femininity and masculinity, so for me, it’s important that someone can always see themselves in my writing and when I’m giving advice, regardless of the genitalia you have (unless I’m talking about your genitalia).  Most of the time when I’m talking about genitalia, I refer to people as “folks who have vaginas” or “folks who have penises” so that it doesn’t alienate folks who want to learn about genital stuff.

Regardless, be conscious about the differences between all of these things.  Most of all, if we can withhold judgment and take people as they are, we’d be a better society that is tolerant and accepting and not xenophobic.  When we all accept that we have more similarities than differences, we can come to a good place and understand each other better.

Cheers to your sexual success!

P.S. I did a quick video experimenting with the lightboard at the university, so if you need a visual, you can check it out HERE.  Remember, there have been many more changes since I did this in January 2016, so please forgive the outdated information and order in which this was done.

With that said, with such a gift to be able to remember, I’m sure that you remember some spectacular times that you’ve had sex and it was so impactful that you’ve replayed it in your head over and over again.

Sometimes they are phenomenal experiences, and sometimes they are the worst experiences, but either way, you always learn from such an impactful experience.

When you’ve been in a longtime relationship, a lot of relationship counselors will tell you to remember the first time you met and then your mind transports you back in time and you get all those warm and fuzzy feelings again.  However, it’s slightly different when you are with someone sexually for the first time.  Maybe the first time was hot, but do you actually remember it?  I want to tell you that it’s pretty rare for you to remember it – and that’s mostly because when we are in relationships, they get better over time as your lover gets to know your body better more and more.

As they get to know your body better more and more, that means that you start to meld your sexual chemistry, you start talking about what pleases you most (I hope!), and your partner caters to how you want to be pleased.

These are the moments that help to facilitate memorable sexual experiences.

However, it’s really hard to recreate your favorite sexual experiences because we have to understand that they are in a different time and space, our bodies are different (physically, socially, and psychologically), and our responsibilities are different.  But that’s okay.

Remember, we can always create new and fun sexual experiences.  Here are 5 ways to do that:

#1 – Know your partner’s schedule and work around them.  As much as you need to work around your own schedule, it’s best to know your lover’s schedule and routine.  The more that you can help with the ease of their routine, the more time they can have to focus on you.

#2 – Know what kind of Seduction Learning Style© they have.  All people get turned on in different kinds of ways, but if you know the ways that they get turned on, you can use it as a sex hack.  Take the quiz HERE (bit.ly/VLQuiz1).  Once you know how they get turned on, you can be creative of how you approach the situation.

#3 – Get to work.  Most of us would love for things to come to us easily, but sometimes, it takes some effort when seducing someone or facilitating a sexual situation.  Make sure that you are ready and prepped to go; some folks need showers, massage oil, lube out, safe sex supplies, or anything else that you know would facilitate a memorable experience.

#4 – Do or get a new “something” and let your lover know about it.  Whether it’s a new position that you found in the Kama Sutra, a new room in the house, or a new product that you’d like to try, let your partner know about it ahead of time so that they can prep themselves mentally about what’s going to happen.  If you have someone who always thinks the worst, the more time you give them to prep about your plans, the better.  And remember, make sure that you come up with all the worse case scenarios to ensure a good time (Kids are away, dinner is done, dishes are clean, responsibilities handled, etc.).

#5 – Pay the compliments where the compliments are due.  If you found yourself having a really great time, make sure that you say it!  Too often, we don’t express our true feelings and that hinders our ability to connect on a deeper psychological level.  Right after sex, tell your lover what you liked.  Was it their smell?  Was it the way they moved their hips?  Was it the way they took charge of the situation?  Give all the compliments and tell them what you appreciated about your time together.

Helping to create memorable sexual experiences will only be to your advantage because not only does it bring attachment hormones, it can help to facilitate powerful orgasms when you or your lover masturbates and reflects on your time together.  It’s a win-win all around.

Cheers to your sexual success!

Now, I don’t define success by how many people you can get to have sex with you; I define success by how well you pay attention to your lovers and if they would let you back in their bed again because of how well you connected with them.  You see, sexually intelligent people acknowledge absolutely everything on the body and understand that magic is everywhere.  These are the folks who love to see the human body in the light and acknowledge all of the body’s strengths and support the body’s differences.

Most sexually intelligent people are going to listen more than they speak (provided they are able-bodied).  When you listen, not only can you listen to the body, you can listen to the person’s breathing, what they are saying or not saying, and you’re able to spot any changes in their bodies.  And you don’t necessarily have to have all the senses to do these things.  When I was presenting a kink workshop at Creating Change, there were a group of Deaf folks who told me that listening to the body was about the touches and the vibrations that person gives you.  So when I went to go spank one Deaf person, they almost melted in my arms and said that they loved the vibrations of my sensual touching and spanking.  Another Deaf person said that when I choked them, they loved how I placed my body on them so they could feel the movement of my breath.  For me, the listening didn’t come from them speaking, so I had to listen to what their body wanted and accommodated them accordingly.  Being sexually intelligent is about you being fully present to enhance and maximize your lover’s pleasure zones.

In addition to these things, sexually intelligent people are problem-solvers and are always thinking about their access to resources when it comes to solving sexual problems.  They are not just about waiting until the last minute until something is wrong; they tend to take problems by the horn and share that knowledge with the folks around them.  For instance, if you’re a squirter and you don’t want a wet bed?  Your sexually intelligent person is going to find that squirt blanket.  Is that Erectile Dysfunction getting you down?  They might have that penis pill in their cabinet for you to take (or know someone who does!).

Sexually intelligent people take every opportunity as a learning opportunity and don’t shy away from things that scare them.  They walk through the fear, turn it into curiosity, and then become smarter because of the lesson they’ve learned in that interaction.  We all know that when we know better, we do better, and when this occurs, we can keep doing them better. 

In addition to listening, problem-solving, learning, and implementing, sexually intelligent people are the people that love giving for the sake of giving.  We all know that we should be kind and do nice things for people, but there’s something always sexy about folks who are givers who don’t expect anything in return.  If you and your lover(s) are givers, I have one simple rule: the person who usually cums the fastest is the one that has the last orgasm.  Not only does this help to close the orgasm gaps with partnerships, it always helps them help you to get the pleasure you desire.

So now what you know what sexually intelligent people do, it’s up to you to up your game when it comes to your sexual intelligence IQ.  Not only will it make you a better lover, it will almost always get you more fun and pleasurable sexual experiences!

Cheers to your sexual success!

I love to laugh and although my laugh isn’t “cute,” it’s extremely attractive.

So when was the last time you laughed out loud and truly felt joy?

Some of us love to snicker and giggle and laugh a little laugh, and we may even do it to make someone feel good about themselves.  Some of us keep our laughter on the inside and say “that was funny,” but aura of joy is not present.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?  What did you find funny about it?

I know you’re probably wondering, “where in the hell is she going with this?” and I’m here to tell you that laughter is part of the art of seduction.  Not only do people love to make people laugh, we get a great amount of dopamine surges from the laughter which makes us to feel good all over.  A comedian’s drug of choice will always be laughter because that can pull them through some of the darkest times that they have.  Most people are the same way.

When I make people laugh at my workshops (if you haven’t taken a workshop, shame on you, but I’ll be having some online workshops soon), it’s one of the best feelings I get next to seeing the light bulbs pop up above their heads as they learn something new.  Let’s face it.  Laughter is sexy.  It doesn’t matter which end you are on, there’s always a benefit in experiencing laughter.

It’s even better when you have a lover whom you can laugh with.  Hearing them laugh makes them a sexier lover to you because you get to share in that experience of joy.

Similar to laughter yoga, I encourage you to think of the funniest moments for you and force yourself to laugh.  I believe this has kept me young and healthy and when thinking about my mother (who also has an amazing boisterous laugh), I’m pretty sure that keeps her healthy and young as well.  If you’re a fan of quantum physics, you’ll know that that kind of positive energy only propels you in a good direction.  And it turns out that laughter can help you bond with people.

And we all want to feel like we belong.

With that said, take the time to watch your favorite funny movie, see your local comedian, go to your local laughter yoga class, or go down the internet comedic rabbit hole.  However you get your laugh on, just remember to get it on.  This will essentially help you to get it on.

Cheers to your sexual success!

However, what I realize is that being open is not as easy as most people think it is.  When it comes to sex, people think, “I could possibly be into that” or “I don’t think that’s my thing.”  When you fall into the latter category, you are automatically becoming biased about what could or could not be your thing.  In my previous blog, I talk about doing things at least 3 times before you know for sure that you like them.  I will always take heed to this advice and you can feel free to adopt it as your own; however, that’s only when it comes to sexual matters.

Being open is not only about being open to the sexual possibilities, it’s about being open to all the possibilities and working with and around all the things that seem limiting to you.

For instance, as a Community Ambassador for #open, a new dating app, I’ve realized that there are so many possibilities that come with our identities and our behaviors.  In this particular app, you can search for people via hashtags.  In this sense, you are able to find folks who have the same hashtag as you so you can connect based on affinity.  Since I’m into kink, I can also find folks who are near me who are into kink; in addition, I can also look for the hashtag, #partneredandopen, which can help me find people who would want to play casually with me when I’m out at a dungeon or play party.

The other reason why I like this app is because we can put as many hashtags as we want for our identities, as well.  I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of identities that encompass me, so the ability to put as many as I want on my profile feel beneficial for anyone who wants to look me up!

I’ve given some quality advice on having a good profile for the dating apps that you’re on, so make sure that you take the advice if you’d like to venture off into a new dating app world.  I highly suggest that you do because it will only be to your benefit.

For example, this app is literally for everyone and they are real serious about their terms of agreement which won’t data mine your information such as Facebook and Instagram, and other dating sites.  It’s completely reliable and safe.  Also, you can search as an individual (there’s no way my wife would be on any dating apps), or you can search as a couple (and maybe even later they’ll have a search option for those folks who are in a relationship that’s more than a dyad!).  Either way, I’d say that it beats other dating and/or hookup sites, especially because this is only the beginning. As with anything, there’s always room for improvement, so if you have any ideas, shoot them over to me!

Discover this for yourself and join me on the app!

Cheers to your sexual success!

He claimed that because they both live with their parents, he found the porn to be convenient when he needed to relieve that sexual tension.  He didn’t feel like it was cheating and he felt fine consuming the type of porn he was watching.

My suggestion?  Make your own porn!

That way, he can look at it when he’s not around her and therefore, she would feel like he’s not cheating on her because he’ll be looking at her body and not anyone else’s.  She was super excited to get that done and I felt like I helped a couple find another way to bond when they aren’t around each other.

For those of you who are interested, here are some tips for making your sex videos!

Set the Scene.  In the videos, you do not want distractions.  For instance, you probably would prefer not to have pictures of your kids and family members in the background, a messy bedroom, or an open closet.  Clutter-free is better unless there are some sex toys that you’d like to have placed for strategical distractions.

Get Many Perspectives.  There aren’t a lot of films that are made with a female point-of-view, so I think this one would be useful when you’re trying to turn on your woman.  Have her hold the camera/phone for this particular aspect.  Going through many positions can ensure that you have a variety of perspectives and if you have the whole place to yourself, you can definitely get in many different scenes for different feels.  Don’t forget to share the camera!

Use Your Private Storage.  I know some of you probably know this already, but using your work phone for personal use is a no-go.  Also, using your personal phone on company wi-fi is a no-go.  Do not store your videos on your work computer or in work folders.  Make sure that you have your own personal cloud storage or private hard drive that you can put your videos on.  For those folks who are exhibitionists, feel free to let that freak flag fly and release that video how you please!  As long as no one is harmed from it, I’m all for it!

Watch & Enjoy!  Yes, most of us have body image issues, but the point of the porn is to really get turned on by you and your lover(s) and see/embody the sexual chemistry that you all have.  Take this as an opportunity to experience your lover(s) in a different way and check it off your sexual bucket list!

Cheers to your sexual success! 

Wait, let me say that again.  LIFE VALUES ARE IMPORTANT.

When it comes to pursuing a serious relationship with someone, you need to have the same values.  I tell this all the time to my clients and for some reason, it might get ignored for several reasons: you love the person, you’ve invested a lot of time into the relationship already, you want to have children with them, everything is perfect except for THAT, etc.  But the struggle is real.  If you don’t align with your values, it’s going to affect your relationship negatively in so many ways; just like sexual energy, if you don’t have values that align, it starts to bleed into everyday aspects of your personhood.

One of the things that you need to do is define your values for yourself with regards to the major life aspects that affect your everyday life: finances, health, relationships/sexuality, children/family, education, religion/spirituality, and career.  Through these major social institutions, we learn the most about ourselves and how we would like to move through the world in order to live our best life.

With that said, you need to ask these questions at the beginning of the relationship to ensure that you are the best fit for your lover(s).  For instance, if you want to have children someday (and it’s something that is burning on your mind) and the person you’re dating doesn’t want any at all, then it’s time to say goodbye to that potential relationship.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  GET AWAY from them, or at least know that there will never be any potential for a serious relationship.  Even if they wanted kids and you wanted to homeschool them and they wanted to send them to public school, you need to know these things in advance.  This shouldn’t be an afterthought.  It is my hope that you would want to be intentional about how you raise your potential children from your potential partner.

This goes for all these categories.  You all need to have the same or similar values when it comes to all these aspects.  If kids is something that could either come or go, that’s fine, too; you just need to know that if you enter a relationship with tepid feelings and your partner(s) have strong ones, it’s hard to convince your partner if you feel truly strongly about something that you haven’t before.  This can also cause potential rifts in your relationship that totally could have been avoided if you would have thought thoroughly about each of these subjects.

The fact is, you need to know yourself, inside and out.  It’s best to know what you think is appropriate and inappropriate and to always be asking those “what if” questions to ensure that your partner(s) can think thoroughly about each situation.

These are hard conversations.  However, having the hard conversations at the beginning will save you a lot of grief during your relationship.  A lot of problems that I come across when it comes to folks in relationships is because their values don’t align and they have actively ignored these big ass red flags because they were too dependent on their emotions.  Emotions are great, but they need to be balanced with logic.  Without that balance, you are doomed.  Like Tina Turner said,

“What’s love got to do with it?”

Cheers to your sexual success!

via GIPHY

Here are some key pointers:

DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.  Most of us have rose-colored glasses on at the beginning and we often fail to see red flags.  With that said, if you meet them for the first time and there are red flags immediately, it’s not going to work.  Don’t ignore the flags; just have a nice date and be on your merry way.  I’ve ghosted a lot in my life when I was younger; yes, it’s non-confrontational, but it is the easiest and less mature way to go about things.  If you want to be more mature, tell them honestly how you feel and leave it that.  They would appreciate that; especially because, then, they can move on how they please and they don’t have time to waste thinking about you.

VOCALIZE WHAT YOU WANT.  Most likely, you’ve already realized that you have a lot of things in common, but there’s so much more to figure out.  What’s most important is to vocalize what you really want (if you’ve been playing it safe and haven’t already).  Vocalizing what you want and who you are, are essential to the sustainability of your possible relationship.  If you bring your representative (your ideal/future self) or your unknown self to the table, it can only cause issues later on; primarily because, for the most part, people don’t change, unless they really want to.  If they are satisfied with who they are as a person, you will meet resistance in the future if you think you have the potential to change them somehow. For example, if you don’t want kids, let them know; you don’t want to go far into your relationship only to know that they don’t want kids when you do.

BE CREATIVE WITH YOUR CONVERSATION.  Small talk is often bland and standard at the beginning of the date, and I think it’s a good ease-in, but don’t forget to be creative with your conversation.  I love asking “what if” questions and seeing how the conversation flows.  Are they a person that just likes to talk about themselves the whole time?  Are they interested in getting to know you as a person?  These are the things that you need to be thinking about as you entertain them with conversation.

BE AUTHENTICALLY AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU.  There’s nothing sexier than a person who is confident in who they are and where they are headed.  I have had partners in the past try to tell me that I “shouldn’t do this” or “shouldn’t do that” or change a part of me because it was unpleasant to them.  Of course, they had to go eventually (once the sex started fading), but one of the sexiest things you can do for a person is accept who they are.  In the end, we all just want to be loved and accepted, so if you like and accept the person they are and they like you and can accept the person you are, you are headed in the right direction.

New relationship energy is fun and when our feelings are involved, it’s even more exciting.  However, you need to balance that out with the logic of the situation.  Like, in life, everything needs balance and moderation and too much tilting on one side can be disadvantageous.  Remember, relationship success is built on the tools you have to keep it fresh!

Cheers to your sexual success!

I’ve been on dating apps very briefly and I personally didn’t find them appealing.  I don’t believe that what’s on the internet comes close to my charisma of when you meet me in person, so I choose to meet people really after only a few email/text/message exchanges.  If you are on the dating apps, there are so many “rules” to get you the best results.

For instance you want to make sure of the following:

• Make sure that your first (profile) picture is accurate; you don’t want people getting lured in because they think you’re a 10 when you’re really a 7 (visually; I’m sure that you’re a 10 when you put your personality in it). Definitely put that 10 pic in, but make sure you balance it with a 7 pic, too.  And make sure it’s you; no one wants to date your child or your dog or the other friend that’s in the pic.  No one has the time to be catfished.
• Put enough information on your profile so that it feels mostly accurate. You can always account for nuances, but for the most part, mention the things that you do/your hobbies.  You need to know who you are, not who you want to be; you can save that for a later date.  You can choose to date potential later on in life.
• Limit your message exchanges. In order to get to really know someone, it would be best to do a video chat or meet in-person.  If someone doesn’t want to meet, then they are probably not looking to be in a serious relationship or they have some other issue going on that you probably shouldn’t be bothered with.  I personally have an email/message limit of 7 at a time.  If you need more than that, then you need to give me a phone call, video chat, Marco Polo, or something of that nature.  When you have so many messages, you are essentially draining a person of their emotional labor.  Now, if you have plenty to spare, good for you, but I don’t have that kind of time to dedicate to a stranger where the relationship isn’t mutually beneficial.
• If they can’t make time for you, RUN. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to make time to be in the relationship?  Put your logic hat on.

So now that you’ve gotten those important tools of online dating, and you’re ready to meet someone in person, there’s an important point that you should know:

What is their unmet need?

This is the question that you need to have in mind if you are seriously thinking about dating someone who has the potential for intimacy.  What is the thing that you can bring into their lives to help build their confidence – not only in you, but in themselves and in their life?

These are just a few questions that you should think about at first, so next week, we’ll dive a little deeper into approaching people when you’ve been online dating.

Cheers to your sexual success!

All of us are right.  The fact of the matter is, love is an action.  Some people say that love is a verb and I believe that wholeheartedly.  Love is something you do.  Yes, love is something that you have, but ultimately, you do things for the folks that you love.

When I tell people that I love them, it’s an oath that I will do anything that they need from me.

Love is dedication to the person you love.  Love is commitment towards the action, whether you want to do it or not.  Some of us think of love as a sacrifice; but as long as it isn’t harmful, I believe that it’s perfectly okay.  For instance, my fiancé loves to run.  I don’t like running at all, unless I have a ball in my hand.  But do I run because she wants me to?  Of course I do.  I do it because I’m dedicated to her.  I do it because I know that she would like it and it would bring her joy.  I do it because I like to be the cause of her joy.  I sacrifice my dislike for running for the joy it brings her because it brings joy to me to bring joy to her!

Love sometimes can be the tiniest things.  It can be helping with the chores or turning off the light before bed when your lover is too lazy to do it.  Love is the little kisses we give on the forehead or holding hands when you’re on date.  Love is using your energy to give what you can and even a little extra in bed.  Love is about conjuring the spoons (or energy) out of the universe and giving it the very last hurrah you have.

Love is making the effort, over and over and over again.

So here are the questions that you have to ask yourself and the people around you:

What effort do I make when it comes to my partner?  What do I do on an every day basis that my partner enjoys/would enjoy?  What effort does my partner put toward me and our relationship?  What does my partner do on an every day basis that makes me happy?  What can they do in the future that would make me happy?  How can I plan to make my partner happy/happier in the future?

Love is about the end game.  What are the tools that you are going to use to put your love into action?

Cheers to your sexual success!