Recently, I received an email from an aging man who was a virgin (yes, a real 50-year-old virgin) and he expressed to me that although he felt attraction for all types of people, the thought of having sex didn’t pique his interest. It seemed like too much work when he watched porn and he felt that if he was a sex worker that he could have sex with folks and then he would know if he is actually sexually attracted to someone. His problem was that he felt that he didn’t have those opportunities. 

​My first piece of advice was to meditate and hear his spirit and maybe that he would hear something. My second piece of advice was to go to a swinger’s club and experiment with different people who he is attracted to, but he didn’t like that advice either. He was solidly convinced that he might never be intimate with someone and I could feel the sadness in his words. 

​The fact of the matter is, is that it’s never too late to know what your sexuality entails. Our sexuality changes all the time, so it’s always necessary to constantly re-evaluate what we like and what we don’t like. Sometimes, when we do the same things over and over, we fail to get to know our fantasies better. We fail to foster our sexuality and we fail to exert the energy necessary to explore and embody that sexual energy. 

​However, there’s also the possibility that not being sexually attracted to people might mean that you’re asexual. Fostering sexual energy into your romantic and intimate relationships look different for those who are asexual, as opposed to those who aren’t. Asexual folks feel that pressure to be sexual in sexualized world and that aids in stress. As children, if we were taught that it’s okay to be sexual and it’s also okay to not be sexual, the world would be a better place simply because you would be validated in your feelings without any judgment or explanation on why you feel that way. Less pressure, less stress and more happiness. 

​I don’t care how old you are, you are never too old to know (or get to know) your sexuality. Understand that romance, intimate or sexual relationships can have you experiencing a range of feelings and all those feelings are valid. However, there is always hope for your sexuality and all its many facets. If I had to give the last piece of advice for that man, it would be “Don’t give up on your sexuality. It’s that energy that sparks our creativity and our purpose in the world.”

Reflecting on the conference that I was at last weekend, the Whose Beloved Community? Conference, that focused on Black ​and LGBTQIA civil rights, I realized that too many of us have ​different ideas on what it means to have a sex-positive sexuality. For those folks who haven’t done their homework, the sex-positive movement is based on having effective sex education, ​invoking safer sex practices, initiating consent, and having ​confidence in your sexual choices that are healthy decisions for ​you and the other people who are also involved. 

As I led the “Sexualities” Roundtable at lunch during the ​conference, we all realized that some folks think that having a sex-​positive mindset means that you have the freedom to have all kinds of sex. While this may be true, we were in consensus that it matters WHY we engage in the particular type of sex that we want to engage in. In our lives, we’ve noticed that with ourselves and with our friends that people that engage in sex and they don’t know why they’re engaging in sex at that time. Sex with no meaning, we’ve realized, that it’s dangerous to our well-being. There are so many reasons why people have sex and if you were to engage in sex and say to yourself, “The reason I’m engaging in sex is because…” then it’s a valid reason – whether it’s healthy or not, it helps to cater to our mental attitude towards our behavioral decision. 

We also realized that having a healthy sex life means that you have the capability of saying “no” when you want to and without coercion. It’s a way of being ​confident in your sexual decisions and then also realizing that it’s also about ​when you mess up and realizing the consequences that may come about because ​of your mistakes. It’s knowing that you aren’t perfect 100% of the time. 

Having a sex-positive sexuality also relates to the FREE LOVE MOVEMENT. However, people think that the Free Love movement has to do with promiscuity, when that’s not the case. Although, logically, it sounds like that’s what it would be, in fact, it’s more about the regulation of sexuality that is put into our policies ​and laws. All those laws that have to do with regulations regarding marriage, ​abortion, prostitution and other things that are prevalent to the regulation of ​women’s bodies, are associated with the ideology of the Free Love Movement. 

​Last, but not least, the SEX-POSITIVE FEMINIST MOVEMENT has helped women (and men) propel their sexualities to the forefront and think about their own desires and how it affects their womanhood (and manhood) and their mental and sexual health. Embracing your own sexuality and the reasons why you do what you do make sex and sexuality that much better. But you don’t have to trust me. Try it for yourself!

When is the last time you tried to do a new sexual move to really turn your partner on? How invested are you into trying something new and different? 

​Sometimes, we all get a little stuck in doing the same things in bed over and over again and though it’s arousing at the time, the need to switch up happens to all of us. And of course, we all know the need of foreplay and its important role.

​However, what if you had an extensive type of foreplay? Or what if the foreplay was an intentional, consensual act that was named and boundaries were established and thought through thoroughly?

​For me, kink has those elements. It’s not just about being freaky, but really thinking about all your boundaries at hand. Most of us know what a little kink is – a spank here, a slap there, scratches everywhere. Or some of us might think that kink is a little more than we can handle and aren’t really prepared for where it might take our minds. 

​More recently, being kinky means that you are engaged in the BDSM world. BDSM stand for 

​|BD| – Bondage/Discipline
|Ds| – Domination/Submission
|SM| – Sadism/Masochism

​But at the same time, you don’t have to identify as a kinkster to engage in BDSM or do kinky things. Known BDSM behavior, such as spanking can be extremely titillating because there are so many feelings that are brought up during the interaction. You can reflect about how you feel about them spanking you, about your feelings of spanking someone else, what kind of memories it brings up and being focused enough to be absorbed in the moment. You can think about what your body parts feel like, what the pain and/or pleasure feeling that you’re experiencing or how you can stand to push yourself to your own erotic limits. 

​Teaching your lover about kink can be just as sexy. Thinking about how you want to engage with your lover and how you can inflict good pain that heightens your arousal levels will help you reach towards actively engaging with your sexual life. Knowing your lover’s limits and not knowing your lover’s limits can be an eye-opening experience, especially if you find yourself really loving to engage with your lover on a new level. 

​Being engaged with kink can also have the effects of healing past traumas as well. Active role-playing gets your place yourself where you know those hurtful feelings are harbored and move beyond them towards peace and healing in your own life. It’s only when we’re healed that we are able to heal others, especially on this journey called life. 

​So with that said, I encourage you to look into kink, participate in some kinky action and see what you like. We’re not all Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s nice to get some redness and bruising every once in a while.