Last week, I came across a Facebook post in a group that said that gender is dependent on someone’s genitals.  As you can imagine, that horrified me because I teach this every semester to my students at the university, and to actually know that some grown people didn’t know the difference shocked me, AND didn’t shock me at the same time.  As a person who is in the sexuality field, it’s vital that we know the differences between these things, and most of all, that we teach others what the differences are between these things.

At the same time, my wife went through a job training and she told me that she wished that I was there because someone had said something that she knew was way off.  The person, who was above her in rank, stated, “There are only two genders, male and female. I don’t know what the fuss is about. You can only be in one or the other.”

There are so many things wrong with this sentence, so I’m going to break things down, as simply as I can.  For more detailed information and see how you would fill out your gender chart you can go HERE.

SEX refers to female (XX with vagina/vulva), male (XY with penis), or intersex (varieties of chromosomal and physical differences).  Intersex folks have a variety of sex characteristics, but for the most part, there are over 17 types of intersex people and it occurs pretty often (between 1 and 1500 to 2000 births). More information can be found HERE. Sex is biological, but can also be physical because of how we have socially constructed what determines female or male.

A lot of people mix up SEX with GENDER or GENDER IDENTITY.  GENDER IDENTITY has to do with whether or someone identifies as a girl, boy, child, woman, man, trans, non-binary, etc.  It’s an identity and it’s the labels that we use for ourselves.  Just because someone has a vagina, it doesn’t mean that they identify as a woman.  They might identify as a man, non-binary, trans, etc.  These are the labels they put on themselves and so you should respect that label, whether you agree with it or not.  How would you like someone telling you who you are and how you should identify?  I’m sure you wouldn’t like it.

GENDER is a spectrum of femininity and masculinity.  Some of us, including myself, love the polarity of gender or the mixing of gender, and it is often found in our GENDER PRESENTATION.  Do you dress feminine or masculine or a mix of both?  As a society, we’ve decided that certain types of clothing is feminine and masculine (usually in girls/boys and woman/man sections in the clothing store).  Although our presentation is the way that we show people our gender and/or gender identity, we are often inundated with gendered stereotypes of how we should act and behave according to our femininity and masculinity.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION/IDENTITIES can refer to who we are physically and/or emotionally attracted to and/or how we behave sexually.  There are many sexual orientations and many orientations fall under certain sexuality umbrellas.  Traditionally, we have had heterosexual, lesbian/gay, and bisexual identities.  However, there are identities such as queer (non-normative), asexual (lack of sexual attraction [not behavior]), and other identities that involve having consensual sex with a person that are dependent on emotions, intelligence, etc. You can have as many sexual identities as you see fit; no one else can tell you what your sexual orientation or identity is.

Now that I’ve armed you with some real information, it’s important to note that we can and we can’t make assumptions about how people live their lives and how they identify.  Should we assume?  No.  Do we assume?  Yes.  However, it’s best to get folks pronouns (she/he/they/their name/etc.) if you’re going to be talking about them and not to them.

As some of you have probably noticed, I never say “woman” or “man” unless I actually mean it.  Most of our characteristics are a blend of femininity and masculinity, so for me, it’s important that someone can always see themselves in my writing and when I’m giving advice, regardless of the genitalia you have (unless I’m talking about your genitalia).  Most of the time when I’m talking about genitalia, I refer to people as “folks who have vaginas” or “folks who have penises” so that it doesn’t alienate folks who want to learn about genital stuff.

Regardless, be conscious about the differences between all of these things.  Most of all, if we can withhold judgment and take people as they are, we’d be a better society that is tolerant and accepting and not xenophobic.  When we all accept that we have more similarities than differences, we can come to a good place and understand each other better.

Cheers to your sexual success!

P.S. I did a quick video experimenting with the lightboard at the university, so if you need a visual, you can check it out HERE.  Remember, there have been many more changes since I did this in January 2016, so please forgive the outdated information and order in which this was done.

If this is something that you have been through or if it’s something that you are currently going through, here are some strategies to help you boost your sex life.

#1 – Embrace a “no technology day.”  With all the information being thrown at us, getting rid of your technology for a day helps you to find other ways to get connected.  Going out with friends, spending quality time with your partner or doing something creative will help you take your mind off of your cell phone and other technological distractions.   Another strategy would also be to turn off your cell phone for a certain period of time every single day and make a habit out of spending quality time with your lover.

#2 – Plant a sex seed.  If sex is on your mind, warm them up by planting a sex seed.  A sex seed could be anything from a sexy note or text in the morning to bigger hints, like leaving a sex toy somewhere where your partner can find it.  Whatever it is, use the sex seed as a hint so that sex will be on their mind all day.  Whether you have sex that day or not, at least, it will be on their mind and hopefully, follow-through will happen within the next two days.  Look at it as long-term foreplay. J

#3 – Learn to say “no” and limit the amount of things that you are involved in.  This is personally a hard one for me because I love taking on new projects and working on all sorts of things.  However, getting involved in too many things hinders the amount of time that you could be having sex.  In addition, if you’re partnered, sharing household responsibilities also helps to free up time for more sex.

Using these 3 tactics will help revitalize your sex life because not only are you limiting the amount of stress in your life, but you are also creating space for new and exciting things for your sexual life.  Being creative with your life helps you to manage all the things in your life, all while making minimal effort.

Cheers to your sexual success!

If you’re a talker:

• Start with a soft moan and then gently move into what you’re going to say.  Being too abrasive with your words and tone will turn the listener off and ick up their moment.  If you want to have sex with them over and over and have a great time, be sure keep them feeling great – which leads us to the next point…

• Keep it simple and short.  Whatever you say, make sure that you keep it extremely simple and make sure that you keep it short.  No one wants to listen to a long explanation after they’ve enjoyed their time with you.  Sometimes, people need to just bask in the greatness of their experience, and sometimes the pain of listening is too much for people to bare.

• Only give compliments that are true.  After sex, some of us might feel inclined to give a critique or talk about things that we have to do, but the best advice I can give is if you’re feeling inclined to talk about those things, instead, make a conscious decision to give a compliment about what you experienced.  This way, you can bond with your partner and really give them that boost of oxytocin that the both of you will enjoy.

If you’re a listener:

• Recognize that they’re a talker.  Some of us might feel inclined to tell our lovers to be quiet after sex, but if you recognize that they’re a talker and that tell yourself that that is okay, you will help them facilitate their bond with you and use their strategies for connection.

• Confirm their thoughts.  Whatever they say (hopefully, it’s positive), confirm their thoughts by responding.  You can respond by giving them a one or two-word answer or a moan of confirmation (Umm-hmmm).  If they try to ick your moment, stop them and then…

• Embrace them.  Sometimes talkers just need to be embraced and felt by you.  Most of all, they are seeking confirmation and closure of the session, so a nice, love-filled embrace will be just the thing to reassure them (and keep them quiet).

So whether you are a talker or a listener, it’s always better to be a team player.  When you’re a team player, everyone can reap the rewards!

Cheers to your sexual success!

For instance, growing up in California and spending years in San Francisco, it felt more sexually liberating to me (I grew up in a small town suburb of Sacramento).  The amount of knowledge that I gained there highly contributed to the work that I do now.  From sex work to sex clubs to sexual attitudes, kids were informed and embraced their sexuality.  Adults challenged current sexual trends embodying sex felt natural.  To feel sexual meant to feel spiritual and I always stayed connected.

In Atlanta, there is a major separation with spirituality and sexuality.  Some of my clients (married ones!) have such a hard time embracing that sexuality and spirituality go together.  I was grateful for a church group that I did a workshop for because they got it.  They understood the need to be sexual and spiritual and that God intended for us to have sex and use sex as a way of bonding, a way of release, and a way of manifesting our dreams.  However, for most people, this isn’t the case.  A lot of people have learned to feel shame around their sexuality and their bodies and they don’t know what pleasure even means to them and their sexuality.  Church has become regimented as a “something you do” rather than embracing the pathways of worship to be energetically in-tune and hear God.

If you find this to be you, there are several things you can do to change that and connect your sexuality and spirituality.

1)      Pray & Meditate.  A lot of Christians just pray before meal time and this is the only praying that they do.  Believe me, I’ve met and dated A LOT of those.  Praying and meditating go hand-in-hand.  To be spiritually in-tune, you must learn to request what you need and listen to the answers.  If you want a better sex life, request it!  And afterwards, listen for the answers by meditating.  God will show you how to get there.  P.S.  God is the voice in your head that tells you to do something, but is often ignored because we sometimes don’t trust ourselves.  Then, we end up regretting a course of action later.

2)      Channel Your Sexual Energy.  This will look different for everyone.  Basically it’s connecting your sexual energy to the universe.  I personally call mine “Yoni Yoga” where I imagine all the good of the world entering through my root chakra and feeling all that energy right through my crown.  Then, I take that energy, feel the electric buzzing that it gives me and use that energy as I go out into the world.  It’s truly a compliment to all of the good energy that I have received.  (And I will definitely have a video of what I’m talking about coming to you soon.)

3)      Before Sex, Pray.  I know this is probably going to be the hardest for you if you’ve felt a major separation between your sexuality and spirituality.  However, you can start off with a simple prayer said in your head (although it would be better out loud), saying something like “God, thank you for being with me on this sexual encounter.  Please ensure me a great time.”  It’s simple and quick and when you start feeling more connected, you will be able to say more and truly be thankful for the wonderful time that you had.

Always remember that sexual energy is the most powerful energy and when it’s tapped into your spiritual self, there are so many great benefits which you are completely entitled to have.

Cheers to your sexual success!

When is the last time you tried to do a new sexual move to really turn your partner on? How invested are you into trying something new and different? 

​Sometimes, we all get a little stuck in doing the same things in bed over and over again and though it’s arousing at the time, the need to switch up happens to all of us. And of course, we all know the need of foreplay and its important role.

​However, what if you had an extensive type of foreplay? Or what if the foreplay was an intentional, consensual act that was named and boundaries were established and thought through thoroughly?

​For me, kink has those elements. It’s not just about being freaky, but really thinking about all your boundaries at hand. Most of us know what a little kink is – a spank here, a slap there, scratches everywhere. Or some of us might think that kink is a little more than we can handle and aren’t really prepared for where it might take our minds. 

​More recently, being kinky means that you are engaged in the BDSM world. BDSM stand for 

​|BD| – Bondage/Discipline
|Ds| – Domination/Submission
|SM| – Sadism/Masochism

​But at the same time, you don’t have to identify as a kinkster to engage in BDSM or do kinky things. Known BDSM behavior, such as spanking can be extremely titillating because there are so many feelings that are brought up during the interaction. You can reflect about how you feel about them spanking you, about your feelings of spanking someone else, what kind of memories it brings up and being focused enough to be absorbed in the moment. You can think about what your body parts feel like, what the pain and/or pleasure feeling that you’re experiencing or how you can stand to push yourself to your own erotic limits. 

​Teaching your lover about kink can be just as sexy. Thinking about how you want to engage with your lover and how you can inflict good pain that heightens your arousal levels will help you reach towards actively engaging with your sexual life. Knowing your lover’s limits and not knowing your lover’s limits can be an eye-opening experience, especially if you find yourself really loving to engage with your lover on a new level. 

​Being engaged with kink can also have the effects of healing past traumas as well. Active role-playing gets your place yourself where you know those hurtful feelings are harbored and move beyond them towards peace and healing in your own life. It’s only when we’re healed that we are able to heal others, especially on this journey called life. 

​So with that said, I encourage you to look into kink, participate in some kinky action and see what you like. We’re not all Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s nice to get some redness and bruising every once in a while. 

When I started my period at 13, the pressure was turning up and she often said, “If you need to go to the doctor about anything, I will take you; no questions asked.”  Although it was comforting, I knew it wasn’t true.  My mom is nosy enough, but I was just happy that she wasn’t overbearing.  Then I turned 16.

With my first boyfriend in tow, again, she gave me a life lesson that I will never forget: “When you’re old enough to go buy condoms yourself, then you are old enough to have sex.”  After 5 months of being together, I felt that I was ready, so I went over to the local grocery store and bought some condoms.  And although I had fun when I had sex, it was just that.  Just fun.  It was fun faking an orgasm.  You know what kind of orgasm I’m talking about – the ones you see/hear from the better porn collection.  For him, it was great and for me, it was fun faking it (I wanted to be an actress at the time).

Flash forward to college.  More and more I started to get involved with the sexuality courses at my school and for some reason, my persona emanated sex, so naturally everyone (friends and strangers) would talk to me about their sex lives and I would ask them tons of questions regarding their sex lives.  Everyone was so willing to answer, so naturally I believed that this was my calling.  I wasn’t getting famous from my acting skills anytime soon, so I started changing directions.

One day, Dr. Ruth came into our Variations in Human Sexuality class.  That’s the moment where I knew that that is what I wanted to do.  I figured that I could do the things that she’s doing, but I can make it sexier.  I wanted to project free sexuality like Josephine Baker with the intelligence of a famous Black Sex Therapist.  I wanted to draw people in like moths.  That, and when I asked my friends if they were having orgasms, they looked at me as if “orgasm” was a foreign word.  From then on, I decided that I wanted to empower women to have more orgasms and to be free with their sexual wants, needs and desires.  If women aren’t happy, the world isn’t happy and I’m on a mission to make the world a better place.

My mom (the best mom in the world) said something that resonates with me every day.  She said, “If you want something bad enough, you make the time for it.”  And it’s true.  When I’m up at 3 o’clock in the morning working on Velvet Lips stuff, it’s because I’m determined to get something finished.  I wish I had the same motivation for working out as I do for my company, but that’s a subject for another day.

When I started my company, Velvet Lips, in March 2010, I had an ongoing battle on whether I had the time or desire to do a blog.  Now, here I am in August of 2011 and am finally comfortable with getting it started.  Although I’m  not super familiar with blogging, it’s nice to read them every once in a while.  I’ve grabbed bits of information here and there, but I’ve never commented on anything.  I guess everyone has their opinions and expertise which could be useful to read, but in this world of short attention spans, it seems like I hardly have the time (seems to be a running theme in my life).

So I titled this particular blog based on myself, of course.  I named the company after myself and the tantalizing effects that happen when you say “Velvet Lips.”  Go ahead; say it slowly in your sexy, deep voice.  Now picture that image in your head.  It’s a sexy one and it can mean so many different things.  If you have a pair (or more!) of your own, I invite you to touch them.  Don’t they feel great?

My Velvet Lips are personal and political in every way, but don’t let the feminism fool you.  Velvet Lips knows how to communicate in ways that are seductive, enchanting and omnipotent.

With that said, this blog will be

And it will include

So now you need to get on the bandwagon and look for more!  So far, I’m looking forward to joining the blogging and micro-blogging community and hope to develop more followers!  Talk to you soon!
Xoxo, marla