Think about when you get a new friend…you start off really interested and ready to hang out with them all the time, but you know eventually those feelings of wanting to hang out with them all the time fade and you get comfortable.  However, think about if you were intimate with them.  The emotional attachment and experiencing sensuality and intimacy on an extremely energetic level spikes those oxytocin levels (in addition to those dopamine levels) and most people get wrapped up in the passion of what becomes NRE.

A lot of people think that when their partner cheats, it’s because they are not doing something to keep them.  That can definitely be the issue unless your partner has an addiction to sex or some other issue that has their willpower wavering.  However, if they don’t, there are definitely things you can do to keep the NRE in your current relationship to prevent your partner from straying and preventing the emotional (or physical) damage that can happen if your partner cheats.

1)      Be clear on your needs.  Communicate what you want in the relationship and negotiate what you need to sustain the sexuality in your relationship.  Talk about the things that turn you on and if you are a person who likes to experiment, make sure those needs are getting met in some way or another.  Whether you negotiate on trying something new every week or once a month, talk about what you need in order to keep that loving feeling for your partner.

2)      Change up your appearance.  One of the reasons why people get wrapped up in NRE is because it’s a change of scenery.  It’s a new person in different clothes and a different way of life.  You can do the same by changing up your appearance.  Grow out your hair/beard or do a different hairstyle.  Get a new outfit and surprise your lover; maybe some sexy lingerie or decorative boxers/briefs to set the mood.  Whatever you can do to change up your appearance every once in a while will help sustain the “newness” of your relationship.

3)      Require date nights.  It’s important to go on dates and spend quality time with your partner.  If you can go out once a week to a picnic, a movie, dinner, or special event, you help sustain that energy that got you in the first place.  I think it’s a bonus if you alternate weeks and make sure you hold each other accountable for creating new energy in the relationship.  It also helps with making purposeful effort, rather than being comfortable and settling on the humdrum life of day-to-day.

4)      Show your partner you care about them.  Sometimes we get so caught up on our own needs that we fail to see what our partner really enjoys or what they need.  Does your partner need a new watch?  New lingerie?  Does your partner need their car washed or for you to cook dinner for them?  Maybe they want a bath or a massage and need you to help them relax.  Maybe they just need a hug and/or a passionate kiss to sustain the energy they need to be interested in you.  Those reminders are the best because they are able to take you back in time to remember the exact feeling that you felt when you first entered into the relationship.

With that said, I truly believe that NRE can be a cause of cheating in relationships, but there’s definitely a way to prevent this from happening.  Be proactive in your relationship to sustain and regenerate new relationship energy get to learn your partner every single day.  Pay attention to your partner, recognize when they evolve and always create new ways to celebrate with them.

As I’m hosting the Atlanta Pre-Release Book Party for More Than Two: An Ethical Guide to Polyamory by Eve Rickert & Franklin Veaux tonight and as the Atlanta Poly weekend is coming up this weekend, I thought I should share some of my thoughts about polyamory and what it means to me.

First, I think it’s quite amazing that this book is coming out.  From The Ethical Slut (1^st generation poly text) to Opening Up (the latest and greatest), this guide can be a catalyst towards sexual liberation examination and framework of various identities.  The reason I say this is because if you’ve ever seen any of the texts that these authors have put out, they have nailed a lot (if not, all) of the aspects around polyamory.

As a person who holds true to my heart with regards to sexual liberation movements, I think it’s very important to know yourself, first and foremost.  As a true experimenter (remember, I’ll try anything 3 times), my adventure into polyamory wasn’t great.  After trying it, I realized that although I agree with the philosophical content of what it means to be a polyamorist, practicing polyamory is not a reality for me.  So when people ask me if I’m poly or assume I’m poly, I usually say that I’m theoretically poly, but that I don’t practice poly.  And this works for me.  Knowing myself and knowing that I can’t handle more than one emotional and intimate relationship at a time feels good and right for me.

As I’ve talked to many poly folks over time, I’ve noticed a few themes:

1)      A lot of people state that they are poly (which I believe they are), but they don’t practice “ethical” polyamory, which has an overarching emphasis on communication with all parties involved.  This can give folks who are poly a “bad name” because people from the outside can view their behavior as too radical and unconventional and unrealistic for most people.  In reality, if a lot of people would admit their true desires in their attractions to multiple people and sustain effective communication between all parties, polyamory could really be free from stigma from the general population and laws can be formed to protect poly families.  In addition, this would be major progress in the current sexual liberation movement.

2)      Many poly folks thrive on NRE (New Relationship Energy), but sometimes have a hard time sustaining that energy and move on quickly (within 6 months or so).  With that said, I’ve had a hard time finding poly folks who are in long-term relationships with multiple partners.  Triads seem to be the most popular poly relationship constellation that are sustainable over a long period of time.  In addition, with couples who are poly, I’ve noticed that it’s usually mostly one who is doing most of the dating of other parties.  With that said, I’m curious to see if opposites truly attract and if there’s something to learn for one person who is poly and one who is not.  The compromise between both perspectives can truly be a unique source of learning that you wouldn’t get otherwise.

3)      Many poly folks accept that people come into your life for some reason or another, so short-term relationships don’t seem to have the same effect on their emotionality, as compared to those who are more monogamous-minded who keep their eye on possibilities of long term relationships.  Sure, they feel hurt once the relationship is dissolved, but the grieving process seems to go faster and smoother for poly folks.  I’m curious to know if knowing the possibilities of other relationships in their futures aid to quicker relationship recovery.  That’s something to think about for all those sexologists out there.

4)      Religiosity and polyamory are an interesting compromise.  In my experience, I would have to say that there are more non-religious folks who engage in polyamory and I’m wondering if it’s because of the spiritual-sexual divide that people may have, which has been so engrained in our culture.  Being here in the Bible Belt where Christianity has a tight grip, compromising your religion with your belief in how you truly feel about your multiple partnerships may feel confusing.  For those who have been able to compromise their religion and their poly lifestyle are rare, but again, the lessons that I’ve learned from them have been all about maintaining their authenticity to their Source and really engaging and practicing Love.

Although these are just a few lessons that I’ve learned over the years, they’ve really been helpful with getting to know the ever evolving changes of polyamory and the advancement in popularity in this lifestyle.  More and more people are learning what it means to be their authentic self, the importance of transparent and effective communication, and the advantages and disadvantages of other “alternative” sexual lifestyles.

Even if you don’t identify as polyamorous, I encourage you to see what you can learn from polyamorists and see how your sexuality and your sexual life can be improved from what they’ve practiced.  I know I’ve learned a lot and the benefits of learning truly outweigh the costs when it comes to this specific type of education.

1. Polyamory=Flexibility. Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.
2. Communicate your desires and limits honestly to help specify a mutual destination.
3. How do you feel about Fluid Bonding and the STD risks that increase with each partner?
4. What are your social, emotional, and sexual needs and how will they be met.  What influence will meeting those needs have on your relationship?
5. What is sacred in your relationship?
6. What are you willing to know about what your partners are doing with other partners?
7. DO NOT make rash decisions while you’re high on NRE (New Relationship Energy).
8. Jealousy.  When it happens take a step back, and look at what triggered that response. Was it a thwarted expectation, breakdown in communication?  Is your lover’s new partner hotter or younger than you?
9. You are responsible for your own happiness, and so is your partner.  But in times of dejection commit to supporting your partner through those feelings.
10. Remember the heart has an infinite capacity for love, no one can be replaced and new partnerships do not decrease love for another partner.
11. Drop fear.  Stop researching and reading about polyamory+open relating, and LIVE IT and have those uncomfortable, hard conversations.

Number 9 provided a missing piece for me.  I realized early on that I was responsible for my own happiness, but failed to allow or give support.  I’d ignore or dismiss my partner’s feelings of anger, pain, or sadness, since that was his problem.  What a simple concept and easy question to ask, “Is there anything that I can do that will help you feel better, or what will make you more comfortable?”   I’m not looking forward to the next emotional challenge, but I can’t wait to expand my communication and genuinely take interest in a resolution.   And then I thought about what I love and hate about my open/poly lifestyle: Love-   1. I can be honest.  I don’t have to lie to my boyfriend, even though because of some undiagnosed personality disorder I still, sometimes, do.   2. I love meeting and exploring new entanglements, while maintaining my primary relationship.  The heart has an infinite capacity for love and I never have to choose between freedom and adoration.   3.  I’m more accepting of other people’s lifestyle choices.  V’s, triads, compound living, monogamy, cults, cross dressers, wizards and warlocks.  My heart is bursting with love and acceptance and I spend far less time trying to understand other people’s choices.   4. My friend and family stock has increased 10 fold!  So my lover’s lovers are my friends…and then now their kids are my semi-kids and those grannies and aunties belong to me!  The family tree is complicated and no one will entrust me with picking up the children from day care…but my extended family has taken care of me in grave times of illness and despair.   5. I am learning to communicate beyond my wildest imagination.  Ever had a 3 hour conversation about your feelings without kicking your lover in the chin and storming out of the house?  I have, just recently. Hate-   1. Unlearning Jealousy – The non-hierarchical arrangements where relationships are not placed in order of importance clash with my princess syndrome symptoms.  I must be number one, by command and when I say so.  Poly life and being raised as an only child clash, BIG TIME.  If my lover is spending time with someone else, I still WANT his full attention…which is impossible…AND I don’t give a damn.   2. Monogamous people don’t get it and they assume I’ve chosen this lifestyle so that I can have sex with any man I make eye contact with.  A friend asked me, “What’s the point of having a relationship if you get to fuck other people?”  “Do you think he really cares about you if he’s ok with you having sex with other men?” “Aren’t you afraid of catching xyz?”  I haven’t come up with an appropriate well received answer, instead of wanting to yell “Fuck you very much.”   3. I still have a few lurking fears:  Will I end up on Maury Povich, running off of the stage because my baby’s father is lover number 1, but I really wanted it to be lover number 2?  How will I do this dual living situation if no one will cook or clean the bathroom?  What if I wake up one day, and discover my poly lifestyle was an undesirable symptom of a brain tumor…what if I just plain change my mind?   4. Just because I love orange soda doesn’t mean I want to drink or taste yours…or…yes, I love socks, but I won’t steal your socks.  In other words, just because I’m open, in NO WAY does this mean I want to date, sleep with or even share a sentence with, coworkers, friends, friends of friends, and the husbands and boyfriends of friends.  I have boundaries!   5.   I still hide.  I hate that.

Tia Marie, aka the Vixen Voyager, hails from Houston, TX and has been in Atlanta for over 13 years. By day she serves as a manager for Branded Entertainment and Integrated Media. And by night…a creature of creativity: stage-manager, voyeur, event planner, writer, lover and juicer of strange veggies. She’s been navigating through the cross sections of eroticism, sensuality and social limits for nearly 10 years. While she holds a B.A in Mass Communications, she learned mostly from her peers and through practical play in elevators, swingers clubs, sensuality workshops/events and training. She’s equally soft and attentive and plans to take on Atlanta’s erotic scene and share her escapades.  Her quenchless desires include sex, food and the supernatural.  You can contact her at tia@velvetlipsllc.com.