After my tear-fest, a friend and I attended an event called: “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore: The REAL effects of social change and mental health on our relationships”. The event’s title made me laugh. I thought it was incredibly negative – love does live here. I’m not sure where it is, but it’s around, right?!

However, as the discussion unfolded, I found that the subject at hand wasn’t a laughing matter. The hosts presented sobering statistics about the state of relationships today. Here’s what really stood out to me:

– People aren’t getting married like they used to. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all 20-somethings were married. In 2008, just 26% were hitched, according to the Pew Research Center.

– About 50% of millennials (aged 18-34) say marriage is “unnecessary.”

–  In 1970, more than 60% of African Americans were married. In 2008, that number dropped to a measly 28%.

– People are getting married at an older age. For instance, in 1950, black and white women were equally likely to be married by the time they were 20. Fast forward to 2010 – the average age a black woman gets married is 30; the average age for a white woman is 26.

The numbers don’t lie! The prospect of marriage seems pretty bleak if you are like me: black, over the age of 25, not in a relationship. However, I’m a firm believer that there are things we can do to change the direction of where relationships are headed. Here are some things that I’ve started to focus more on:

COMMUNICATE!!! – I can’t stress how important communication is in any type of relationship. We need to TALK to each other. And texting, Facebook chat, and direct messaging each other on Twitter does NOT count. I am speaking about face to face, honest and open interaction with one another. And if it can’t be done face to face, we need to make the effort to call and talk. Speaker and author Enitan Bareola says it best: “We’re connected to devices that connect us closer to people, but we’re more disconnected than ever…Avoid texting, skyping & emailing and just show up and be present. It’s rare. Actions speak louder than SMS.”

BE OPEN – Keep an open mind about people and experiences. Consistently try new things and make an effort to meet people. I’m a really social person, so I decided to give speed dating a try. I saw a really cute guy at the grocery store, so I decided to strike up a conversation with him. I wouldn’t have normally done that, but, hey, something new, right? You never know how far a simple ‘hello’ could go. Also, be open to who you are willing to date. Many of us have an ideal type of person we want to be with. Don’t let your idea of a “perfect person” prohibit you from getting to know someone who might not come in the package you wanted or expected.

STAY POSITIVE – The facts and figures listed above can be very depressing, but I believe we have the ability to change course. We can’t keep feeding into the hype that the state of relationships is bad. Instead, let’s focus on positive and productive actions we can do to cultivate good relationships. Those actions include communication, being open & having a positive mindset. I’m reading the book “The Secret.” The book refers to the Law of Attraction, which is “we attract whatever we think about, good or bad.” I encourage you to think positive and still hope and believe you will find a mate.

Earlier, I mentioned crying at work. Here’s why: during my shift, my friends called me to let me know they were engaged! These amazing friends of mine, millennials, black, and totally in love decided to take their relationship to the next level. I cried because I was incredibly happy for them. I cried because I was excited about the journey they were about to take with each other. And a little bit of me cried too because they gave me hope. In my heart of hearts, I believe love still lives here. And I hope I will find it.

Frolicon takes place every Easter weekend at an unassuming airport hotel in Atlanta. Surely the date is not a coincidence, as I can’t be the only attendee for whom the event was rebirth of sexuality after a long winter’s hibernation.

This was my first experience at such an event.  I was married and monogamous for over 20 years.  After the kids graduated college and the parenting was officially over,  my wife and I decided to split off and go down separate paths in order to make each of our lives more authentic.  As part of this task, I have been exploring parts of my sexuality that I packed up and put away while married.

Surprisingly, one of the most fun and unexpected parts of my experience has been the sharing of what I did and saw with some of my more “vanilla” friends. At first, these friends from my old life were judgmental about me being part of such an unusual and sexual event. I used this as an opportunity to turn the conversation to higher ground, and explained that the underlying rule of Frolicon is no means no! “It’s a Libertarian paradise!” I explained. Additionally, as I tend not to hang around those who themselves would often be called normal, my friends realized their contradictions and their surprise at my exploration quickly turned to interest.

Frolicon was about living more authentically, which requires knowing who you are and respecting all that it takes to be true to yourself.  You must know your own boundaries and moral code, thus breaking the codes that have been forced upon you.  At the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, the most important shrine in ancient Greece, there were two pillars that read “Know thyself” and “Everything in moderation.” Everyone on this journey in life must decide – who are you and what do you live for?

Choosing one’s environment is a most crucial choice to make.  What does your environment foster?  Your authenticity?  Or your submission to someone else’s authenticity?  Sometimes, you must drastically change your environment to find who you are. While my vanilla friends were unwittingly encouraging me to stay the same and not do things that would make them uncomfortable, my personal growth requires resistance to the call of statism. Frolicon was just the environment I needed to support this new journey.

While my vanilla friends might beg to differ, I didn’t get too wild and crazy with my first experiences at the con. I attended classes on fisting vaginas, erotic penis massage, breast and cunt torture, and polyamory 101.

In each of the classes, I noticed how professional the trainers were.  This made the experience feel both erotic and scientific.  It brought my mind and body into a greater synchronicity than I am used to in sex, and was a great way to start off my sexy spring awakening!

There were more varieties of classes and events than I could list in this post. There were classes on everything from relationship skills and beginner rope tying classes to speed dating and extreme BDSM play. I tried to keep my experiences in the middle ground, and found Frolicon people in general to be very pleasant and non-threatening.  The con felt like a safe place to explore sexuality without judgment or danger.  I look forward to going back and possibly staying overnight next time.

Two events that caught my attention were The Dark Room and The Masturbation Party.  I considered attending one or both of these and my partner/tour guide was willing to attend also.  I admire her freedom and strong boundaries, she is quite the inspiration for me.  I’m glad I offer her value as well and that we have a good trade in our relationship.  Usually I am not a man who lets fear dictate my choices, but I did not have the courage for either of those events at my first con.  It seems I have some more things to consider, and I like that!  Perhaps next year, as I am even more authentic, I will open up a little more.  Life is too short to hide, and Frolicon did indeed feel like a very safe place to explore my sexual identity.

One of the down sides of the event was the long lines to the elevator. There were many private parties happening in the private rooms, and I would have liked to take a tour. I suppose the choice of hotels available to host an event like this are limited, but the con staff made the best of the crowded lines with fun games to play and interesting things to see! The people watching was amazing!

The next event I will attend will be Atlanta Poly weekend in June. I am enjoying exploring the ethically non-monogamous aspect of sexuality as well as the kinky side. I look forward to writing a review of that as well.

Have a great summer, and strive to live more authentically.

Dan