After my tear-fest, a friend and I attended an event called: “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore: The REAL effects of social change and mental health on our relationships”. The event’s title made me laugh. I thought it was incredibly negative – love does live here. I’m not sure where it is, but it’s around, right?!

However, as the discussion unfolded, I found that the subject at hand wasn’t a laughing matter. The hosts presented sobering statistics about the state of relationships today. Here’s what really stood out to me:

– People aren’t getting married like they used to. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all 20-somethings were married. In 2008, just 26% were hitched, according to the Pew Research Center.

– About 50% of millennials (aged 18-34) say marriage is “unnecessary.”

–  In 1970, more than 60% of African Americans were married. In 2008, that number dropped to a measly 28%.

– People are getting married at an older age. For instance, in 1950, black and white women were equally likely to be married by the time they were 20. Fast forward to 2010 – the average age a black woman gets married is 30; the average age for a white woman is 26.

The numbers don’t lie! The prospect of marriage seems pretty bleak if you are like me: black, over the age of 25, not in a relationship. However, I’m a firm believer that there are things we can do to change the direction of where relationships are headed. Here are some things that I’ve started to focus more on:

COMMUNICATE!!! – I can’t stress how important communication is in any type of relationship. We need to TALK to each other. And texting, Facebook chat, and direct messaging each other on Twitter does NOT count. I am speaking about face to face, honest and open interaction with one another. And if it can’t be done face to face, we need to make the effort to call and talk. Speaker and author Enitan Bareola says it best: “We’re connected to devices that connect us closer to people, but we’re more disconnected than ever…Avoid texting, skyping & emailing and just show up and be present. It’s rare. Actions speak louder than SMS.”

BE OPEN – Keep an open mind about people and experiences. Consistently try new things and make an effort to meet people. I’m a really social person, so I decided to give speed dating a try. I saw a really cute guy at the grocery store, so I decided to strike up a conversation with him. I wouldn’t have normally done that, but, hey, something new, right? You never know how far a simple ‘hello’ could go. Also, be open to who you are willing to date. Many of us have an ideal type of person we want to be with. Don’t let your idea of a “perfect person” prohibit you from getting to know someone who might not come in the package you wanted or expected.

STAY POSITIVE – The facts and figures listed above can be very depressing, but I believe we have the ability to change course. We can’t keep feeding into the hype that the state of relationships is bad. Instead, let’s focus on positive and productive actions we can do to cultivate good relationships. Those actions include communication, being open & having a positive mindset. I’m reading the book “The Secret.” The book refers to the Law of Attraction, which is “we attract whatever we think about, good or bad.” I encourage you to think positive and still hope and believe you will find a mate.

Earlier, I mentioned crying at work. Here’s why: during my shift, my friends called me to let me know they were engaged! These amazing friends of mine, millennials, black, and totally in love decided to take their relationship to the next level. I cried because I was incredibly happy for them. I cried because I was excited about the journey they were about to take with each other. And a little bit of me cried too because they gave me hope. In my heart of hearts, I believe love still lives here. And I hope I will find it.

1. Polyamory=Flexibility. Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.
2. Communicate your desires and limits honestly to help specify a mutual destination.
3. How do you feel about Fluid Bonding and the STD risks that increase with each partner?
4. What are your social, emotional, and sexual needs and how will they be met.  What influence will meeting those needs have on your relationship?
5. What is sacred in your relationship?
6. What are you willing to know about what your partners are doing with other partners?
7. DO NOT make rash decisions while you’re high on NRE (New Relationship Energy).
8. Jealousy.  When it happens take a step back, and look at what triggered that response. Was it a thwarted expectation, breakdown in communication?  Is your lover’s new partner hotter or younger than you?
9. You are responsible for your own happiness, and so is your partner.  But in times of dejection commit to supporting your partner through those feelings.
10. Remember the heart has an infinite capacity for love, no one can be replaced and new partnerships do not decrease love for another partner.
11. Drop fear.  Stop researching and reading about polyamory+open relating, and LIVE IT and have those uncomfortable, hard conversations.

Number 9 provided a missing piece for me.  I realized early on that I was responsible for my own happiness, but failed to allow or give support.  I’d ignore or dismiss my partner’s feelings of anger, pain, or sadness, since that was his problem.  What a simple concept and easy question to ask, “Is there anything that I can do that will help you feel better, or what will make you more comfortable?”   I’m not looking forward to the next emotional challenge, but I can’t wait to expand my communication and genuinely take interest in a resolution.   And then I thought about what I love and hate about my open/poly lifestyle: Love-   1. I can be honest.  I don’t have to lie to my boyfriend, even though because of some undiagnosed personality disorder I still, sometimes, do.   2. I love meeting and exploring new entanglements, while maintaining my primary relationship.  The heart has an infinite capacity for love and I never have to choose between freedom and adoration.   3.  I’m more accepting of other people’s lifestyle choices.  V’s, triads, compound living, monogamy, cults, cross dressers, wizards and warlocks.  My heart is bursting with love and acceptance and I spend far less time trying to understand other people’s choices.   4. My friend and family stock has increased 10 fold!  So my lover’s lovers are my friends…and then now their kids are my semi-kids and those grannies and aunties belong to me!  The family tree is complicated and no one will entrust me with picking up the children from day care…but my extended family has taken care of me in grave times of illness and despair.   5. I am learning to communicate beyond my wildest imagination.  Ever had a 3 hour conversation about your feelings without kicking your lover in the chin and storming out of the house?  I have, just recently. Hate-   1. Unlearning Jealousy – The non-hierarchical arrangements where relationships are not placed in order of importance clash with my princess syndrome symptoms.  I must be number one, by command and when I say so.  Poly life and being raised as an only child clash, BIG TIME.  If my lover is spending time with someone else, I still WANT his full attention…which is impossible…AND I don’t give a damn.   2. Monogamous people don’t get it and they assume I’ve chosen this lifestyle so that I can have sex with any man I make eye contact with.  A friend asked me, “What’s the point of having a relationship if you get to fuck other people?”  “Do you think he really cares about you if he’s ok with you having sex with other men?” “Aren’t you afraid of catching xyz?”  I haven’t come up with an appropriate well received answer, instead of wanting to yell “Fuck you very much.”   3. I still have a few lurking fears:  Will I end up on Maury Povich, running off of the stage because my baby’s father is lover number 1, but I really wanted it to be lover number 2?  How will I do this dual living situation if no one will cook or clean the bathroom?  What if I wake up one day, and discover my poly lifestyle was an undesirable symptom of a brain tumor…what if I just plain change my mind?   4. Just because I love orange soda doesn’t mean I want to drink or taste yours…or…yes, I love socks, but I won’t steal your socks.  In other words, just because I’m open, in NO WAY does this mean I want to date, sleep with or even share a sentence with, coworkers, friends, friends of friends, and the husbands and boyfriends of friends.  I have boundaries!   5.   I still hide.  I hate that.

Tia Marie, aka the Vixen Voyager, hails from Houston, TX and has been in Atlanta for over 13 years. By day she serves as a manager for Branded Entertainment and Integrated Media. And by night…a creature of creativity: stage-manager, voyeur, event planner, writer, lover and juicer of strange veggies. She’s been navigating through the cross sections of eroticism, sensuality and social limits for nearly 10 years. While she holds a B.A in Mass Communications, she learned mostly from her peers and through practical play in elevators, swingers clubs, sensuality workshops/events and training. She’s equally soft and attentive and plans to take on Atlanta’s erotic scene and share her escapades.  Her quenchless desires include sex, food and the supernatural.  You can contact her at tia@velvetlipsllc.com.

Currently, I’m reading a book about sex research and what scientists have found in recent studies. I have to say, it’s really advantageous to be in school right now and have access to the most current research studies regarding sexuality. Although this book was published in 2009, I’m sure it took a year or two or more to get it published, so I’m always curious to know what the updated statistics are if there are any. 

One fact that I learned was that the average amount of people that sleep with before they find the “perfect partner” is 12. Now, if you have less than this or way more than this, it doesn’t matter. 12 just seems to be the average ​number. I guess the number 13 is lucky after all. 

I’m curious to know that if you have the ‘perfect partner’ at this ​time in your life and you average how many people they’ve slept with the number that you’ve slept with if the number would be 12. Something tells me, not so much, but I’m not genuinely 
​interested in that type of sex research. Although I see it as useful ​in some contexts, some people have lost track on how many people they’ve slept with and that causes skewed biases. Besides, how many people are completely truthful to a random survey ​about their sex lives without having them feel like it’s some sort of attack on their morals or ethics. I’ve found that most people who find that they identify with an “alternative sexuality” are the ones that really talk about their sex lives in more of an explicit and affirming way.

Millennials are now growing up in a ‘hookup culture’ of stigma-free casual sex. The stigma of religion isn’t carrying as much weight as it used to because of the contradicting dynamics of the social culture as time moves forward. Everyone is concerned with their own morality and ethics and sexual energy and individualistic sexuality are recognized as vehicles of self-seeking pleasure with the logical reasoning of sexual health benefits. And besides, how would you know what that “perfect partner” looks like and how would you know that you don’t have several “perfect partners” for you? Love has been romanticized as perfect actions that are constantly occurring, when in reality, there are always ups and downs with the perfect person. The perfect person is not perfect all the time and they’re not perfect for you all the time. Sometimes they suck at being your partner. But if you have an understanding of each other and you know how to communicate effectively, you can get over your partner being not perfect a lot sooner than if you didn’t. 

I didn’t find any updated articles about the amount of partners folks have recently, but I hope someone’s doing that study for the near future. Friends with benefits is a pretty hot subject, but the most recent research shows that friends with benefits have less actual benefits than those who are married or in monogamous relationships. I guess that’s another argument for monogamy, but I’m sure I will get to that another day!