Velvet Lips » intimacy

Open Up!

Marla Stewart — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 22:44:48 +0000

I bet you were thinking that I was going to talk about polyamory, but I’m not. I’m actually going to tell you about intimacy. It’s been interesting over these past 2 months because I’ve been having more and more clients who are having issues opening up – giving and receiving intimacy. The symptoms are always the same – feeling anxiety, feeling uptight and difficulty trusting people. There is also the symptom of maintaining complete control and overall not having the ability to cope with being uncomfortable. This is all rooted in rejection.

Here are a few ways to help you be more relaxed and connect to people, so that you can be comfortable in every environment that you’re in.

The same daily affirmations. You’ve heard me say this before, but let me just reiterate how important this step is. Repeating the same daily affirmations twice a day gets into your subconscious. This is how I was able to lose 20 pounds in a month. I had a couple of affirmations relating to my health and this infused into my system and influenced all my moves, all my intentions and all my health. This is the same with intimacy. Setting an affirmation like “I am lovable and huggable” or “I am relaxed and comfortable.”

Stop hand-shaking and start hugging. Hugging is a completely socially acceptable behavior, so be open to experiencing it in every day of your life. The more you hug people, the more you can connect to people, and that releases oxytocin in the brain which helps with your emotional well-being. You can get 10 2-second hugs a day or one 20-second hug to help you maintain good health. Make it a real hug with genuine authenticity that you care for that person – with complete invested intention with your intimacy.

Touch people. Of course, don’t touch people inappropriately. I highly recommend touching people on their shoulder. This is a space that is neutral enough so that people who don’t like to be touched feel okay and that people who don’t mind being touched know that there is an opportunity for them to connect o you as well. Touching people is one of the indicators of loving someone and when people express their love towards you, think about how good you feel. It’s the same for others.

Trust that you might be uncomfortable. And also realize that it’s okay to be uncomfortable. If we don’t sacrifice our comfort, we will never evolve. We must be okay with change. We must be okay with rejection. We must be willing to get hot or red or sweaty. We must be okay with outright admitting that we are uncomfortable – the fact is, most people will understand how you may be feeling and sympathetic with you. Give people the credit that they deserve and trust that you are in the alignment with them.

These 4 steps are just the first steps to gaining the confidence you need to be sure of yourself and illuminate your true authenticity. We all have the ability to be intimate, not only with people we know, but with people we don’t know as well!

Cheers to your sexual success!

5 Ways to Improve Your Sexual Relationship(s)

Marla Stewart — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 23:35:00 +0000

Over the course of the years, I’ve learned that many couples (and single folks, too) have a hard time realizing their own sexual identity. For those who work around sexuality, it can be easier, but at the same time, they can also struggle with their concerns surrounding their own sexuality. Many times we fault the lack of knowledge surrounding our own sexuality is due to communication issues, but what we don’t realize is that it’s the kind of communication that is needed to sustain a fulfilling sexual (and non-sexual) relationship. Here are some key ways to help your growth as a sexual being:

1) Define your sexual (relationship) identity. This is not an easy task. This means asking yourself (and whomever you are in a relationship with) questions like “What does ‘having good sex’ mean to you?” “How many times a week should I/we have sex?” “Do you expect to talk openly of your sexual wants, dislikes, joys, comfort, ideas?” These are just some of the questions that are necessary to define what you want your sex life to look like. Flushing these all out will get rid of a lot of problems because you’ve already discussed them.

2) Try to be open and make an effort to learn something new. A lot of people think that they are great in bed, and although this could be true, there’s always something new to learn and experience. Our world is full of new sexual possibilities each and every day, so there is no reason why you shouldn’t make the effort. If you want a great sex life, make it a great sex life and find something new that you could contribute to your own understanding of sexuality that can be easily shared with a lover.

3) Manage your intimacy. It’s a fact that some of us liked to be touched and some of us do not like to be touched. If you know yourself, you can manage your intimate time while still giving your lover something that they need. When both people like to touch, this is an easy task because you can touch or be touched all you want. However, when there is one person in the relationship that doesn’t receive much feeling from touch (by their own perception of themselves), it can be pretty difficult to build intimacy. Here’s some good touching advice: make it a rule to hug for at least 20 seconds a day (it’s a long hug or several hugs) and if you have a lover, always greet them or leave them with a meaningful and intentional kiss. This helps to sustain emotional and physical intimacy which are highly valued in most relationships.

4) Know your states of arousal. From low arousal activities to high arousal activities, you should know what turns you on and could get you to a point of orgasm. When you know these things, you can manage your sexual energy in ways that are helpful to you. For instance, say you see something or something you think of turns you on in an instant and you’re somewhere where you can’t relieve that sexual pressure or orgasm. You can try to do other activities that have no or little arousal levels to bring you down where you aren’t thinking about how your genitals are feeling. Maybe it’s a water cooler conversation or doing a few push-ups. Whatever it is, knowing WHAT it is, is the most important aspect of arousal.

5) Lead an exemplary life. Being a great example and sexual role model for your lovers will only help them to become better lovers themselves. When someone sees that you are doing something to make your life more exciting, they may try to chime in and contribute as well. When you become a catalyst for sexual understanding, it helps people to be at ease with you and express desires that they might not have thought about. In return, they can also help you to learn something about yourself as well. In addition, when you lead an exemplary life, you know ways to take care of yourself and that’s one of the most important things you can do to have a healthy, sustainable sexual relationship.

Casual Sex Pros & Cons

Marla Stewart — Wed, 22 Jan 2014 23:13:00 +0000

Most people have experienced casual sex in one form or another. Whether it’s a one-night stand or dating possibility, most of us engage in casual sex for a variety of reasons. If you’ve thought about having casual sex, but just don’t know how it will affect you and your sexual future, here’s the list that can be informative on whether you want to engage in this type of sexual activity.

Issue #1: Casual sex might fulfill or not fulfill a sexual desire.

You never know how casual sex is going to go. It’s pretty much a 50-50 chance that it will be a great experience that you would like to do again, especially if it fulfilled a particular desire that you wanted to experience. Now, if it did not fulfill a sexual desire, you leave the experience still with a sense of lack and curiosity in which you might seek to engage in casual sex again. Since finding desire is part of finding our sexuality, I vote this is as a PRO.

Issue #2: Casual sex gives you less time to sexually prepare.

If you’re just meeting someone for the first time and you decide to have sex, or maybe you’ve known them for a moment and the sexual situation seems promising, this gives you less time to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. You never know how the person is going to act or react to something you do and lack of mental preparation could potentially be harmful. As far as emotionally, you could possibly trigger something in them or in you that isn’t favorable in a sexual situation (such as trauma or feelings of love). As far as physically, if one of you has a sexually transmitted disease (or don’t know if you have one) and you engage in fluid-bonding, this can be problematic. It might result in consequences that you have to take on by yourself if you find that you don’t have any more contact with the person you had casual sex with. As a control freak, I vote this as a CON.

Issue #3: Casual sex may or may not prepare you for your sexual future.
When you engage in casual sex knowing that you’re going to come out of the situation as learning something about yourself, it might already be a win. You can figure out what you liked or didn’t like in the sexual situation and whether you can bring what you learned from this experience to your future sexual experiences. If you can bring a new move to someone that you are more interested in, this just might be the ticket to help your case in the dating game. I vote this is as a PRO.

Issue #4: Casual sex provides brief intimacy.

Whether you want the intimacy or not, casual sex does provide a sort of intimacy that can either be detrimental or instrumental. If you are not seeking intimacy, you may end up crossing a boundary that you don’t want to be crossed. For instance, if you are a person who only kisses serious dating partners, the experience of a casual partner’s kiss might have you feeling a sense of displeasure and disgust. However, because of this type of intimacy can also be instrumental, it’s important to note that it can help with the release of several hormones and pheromones, which will inherently help you to attract other people. But then again, so can a nice, long, loving hug. I vote this as a CON.

As you can see, I find that there are both benefits and consequences to having casual sex. Some of them with more weight than others, so it’s up to you to decide if it’s truly the decision for you. I suggest taking a serious moment and answering these questions for yourself to decide if casual sex is for you or not.

1) What do I find enticing about having casual sex? Is this a good reason to engage in it? Why or why not?

2) Do I have any personal expectations when I engage with someone sexually? If I do, what are they?

3) If I’m in a situation where lust has taken over, would I be okay with “accidents,” such as fluid-bonding? Am I okay with dealing with the possible consequences of getting an STD?

4) Am I okay with connecting temporarily and possibly falling in love with someone I might not see again?

5) Do I have a particular goal, desire or fantasy that I want to fulfill when I’m involved in a particular sexual experience? And am I willing to act on it, despite the consequences?

6) Would I be okay communicating certain sexual needs during the interaction in order to fulfill my own sexual needs? Would I be okay if my partner had selfish motives?

7)Am I okay with having an awesome sexual experience and have the ability to not hold other lovers to this particular standard?

Good luck on your casual sex journey!!