Public stigma is when you experience extreme disapproval by social institutions based on perceived social characteristics.  The most common social institution that we have disapproval from is mainly our own family members.  Most people experience this type of stigma and sometimes are generally labeled “the black sheep” of the family because the characteristic that is a part of them isn’t experienced with the rest of the family.  This can be the most hurtful because these are the people who essentially have taught you all you know, so to be ostracized can be detrimental to your mental health.

Self-stigma is when there are a lot of internalized beliefs that you are damaged somehow because you fall into a certain category that you believe goes against societal norms (i.e. HIV+ people, LGBTQ people, folks with felony convictions, etc.).  Some people call these internalized oppressions which generally sprout from stigmatized identities.  For instance, in the movie, The 40-year-old Virgin, his identity was stigmatized by his coworkers because most people are not virgins by the time they reach their 40s.  This caused him extreme anxiety and feelings of alienation because his experience was different than the rest of his coworkers.  To have these prolonged feelings can do damage to your self-esteem and essentially your self-worth.

If you’re battling with public or self- sexual stigma, I highly recommend these tactics:

• STEP UP! If someone says something negative about your sexual lifestyle, counter it with a positive statement.  For instance, if a friend says “you shouldn’t be masturbating at work,” you could counter with “well, I enjoy myself, it’s not hurting anyone, no one at work knows I do it, and it doesn’t affect the quality of work that I do.”  I believe stepping up and stating the positives out of the situation will directly counter the negative.  If you can think of 5 positive statements for their negative statement, you will surely get past the public stigma that they have put on you.  The same goes with self-stigma.  If you find yourself saying negative statements about your own sexuality, check yourself by saying 5 positive statements.  For instance, if you find yourself saying, “I shouldn’t like [put your own sexual behavior here],” then you can catch yourself and say, “well, I like [said sexual behavior] because of these 5 reasons.”

• A second way to get through public and self-stigma is by TELLING YOUR STORY. We have the ability to change people’s lives, just by sharing a part of our life that is unique.  If overcoming trauma and stigma can be beneficial to the person you’re telling your story to, you should do it mainly because they can take that story with them and genuinely learn from that lesson.  Every single one of us has a unique perspective and a unique story; I’m sure that you’ve learned from someone else’s story before, whether it had to do with sexual stigma or not.  A lot of us have dealt with shame and guilt because of our sexual behaviors, but telling our story can not only empower that person we’re telling, but we can also empower ourselves.

Sexual stigma is an unhealthy feeling and it’s up to us to change the way we think about our sexual behavior (provided that it’s behavior that’s perfectly healthy).  It’s up to us to stand up, live out loud and tell our stories with authenticity, and open mind and valor.  If we are confident in our decisions about our sexual behaviors, others will have faith to have confidence in us as well… and, well, sometimes, it’s nice to not be “the black sheep” all the time.

Cheers to your sexual success!

1. Polyamory=Flexibility. Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.
2. Communicate your desires and limits honestly to help specify a mutual destination.
3. How do you feel about Fluid Bonding and the STD risks that increase with each partner?
4. What are your social, emotional, and sexual needs and how will they be met.  What influence will meeting those needs have on your relationship?
5. What is sacred in your relationship?
6. What are you willing to know about what your partners are doing with other partners?
7. DO NOT make rash decisions while you’re high on NRE (New Relationship Energy).
8. Jealousy.  When it happens take a step back, and look at what triggered that response. Was it a thwarted expectation, breakdown in communication?  Is your lover’s new partner hotter or younger than you?
9. You are responsible for your own happiness, and so is your partner.  But in times of dejection commit to supporting your partner through those feelings.
10. Remember the heart has an infinite capacity for love, no one can be replaced and new partnerships do not decrease love for another partner.
11. Drop fear.  Stop researching and reading about polyamory+open relating, and LIVE IT and have those uncomfortable, hard conversations.

Number 9 provided a missing piece for me.  I realized early on that I was responsible for my own happiness, but failed to allow or give support.  I’d ignore or dismiss my partner’s feelings of anger, pain, or sadness, since that was his problem.  What a simple concept and easy question to ask, “Is there anything that I can do that will help you feel better, or what will make you more comfortable?”   I’m not looking forward to the next emotional challenge, but I can’t wait to expand my communication and genuinely take interest in a resolution.   And then I thought about what I love and hate about my open/poly lifestyle: Love-   1. I can be honest.  I don’t have to lie to my boyfriend, even though because of some undiagnosed personality disorder I still, sometimes, do.   2. I love meeting and exploring new entanglements, while maintaining my primary relationship.  The heart has an infinite capacity for love and I never have to choose between freedom and adoration.   3.  I’m more accepting of other people’s lifestyle choices.  V’s, triads, compound living, monogamy, cults, cross dressers, wizards and warlocks.  My heart is bursting with love and acceptance and I spend far less time trying to understand other people’s choices.   4. My friend and family stock has increased 10 fold!  So my lover’s lovers are my friends…and then now their kids are my semi-kids and those grannies and aunties belong to me!  The family tree is complicated and no one will entrust me with picking up the children from day care…but my extended family has taken care of me in grave times of illness and despair.   5. I am learning to communicate beyond my wildest imagination.  Ever had a 3 hour conversation about your feelings without kicking your lover in the chin and storming out of the house?  I have, just recently. Hate-   1. Unlearning Jealousy – The non-hierarchical arrangements where relationships are not placed in order of importance clash with my princess syndrome symptoms.  I must be number one, by command and when I say so.  Poly life and being raised as an only child clash, BIG TIME.  If my lover is spending time with someone else, I still WANT his full attention…which is impossible…AND I don’t give a damn.   2. Monogamous people don’t get it and they assume I’ve chosen this lifestyle so that I can have sex with any man I make eye contact with.  A friend asked me, “What’s the point of having a relationship if you get to fuck other people?”  “Do you think he really cares about you if he’s ok with you having sex with other men?” “Aren’t you afraid of catching xyz?”  I haven’t come up with an appropriate well received answer, instead of wanting to yell “Fuck you very much.”   3. I still have a few lurking fears:  Will I end up on Maury Povich, running off of the stage because my baby’s father is lover number 1, but I really wanted it to be lover number 2?  How will I do this dual living situation if no one will cook or clean the bathroom?  What if I wake up one day, and discover my poly lifestyle was an undesirable symptom of a brain tumor…what if I just plain change my mind?   4. Just because I love orange soda doesn’t mean I want to drink or taste yours…or…yes, I love socks, but I won’t steal your socks.  In other words, just because I’m open, in NO WAY does this mean I want to date, sleep with or even share a sentence with, coworkers, friends, friends of friends, and the husbands and boyfriends of friends.  I have boundaries!   5.   I still hide.  I hate that.

Tia Marie, aka the Vixen Voyager, hails from Houston, TX and has been in Atlanta for over 13 years. By day she serves as a manager for Branded Entertainment and Integrated Media. And by night…a creature of creativity: stage-manager, voyeur, event planner, writer, lover and juicer of strange veggies. She’s been navigating through the cross sections of eroticism, sensuality and social limits for nearly 10 years. While she holds a B.A in Mass Communications, she learned mostly from her peers and through practical play in elevators, swingers clubs, sensuality workshops/events and training. She’s equally soft and attentive and plans to take on Atlanta’s erotic scene and share her escapades.  Her quenchless desires include sex, food and the supernatural.  You can contact her at tia@velvetlipsllc.com.