Velvet Lips » Education

What is Sexual Intelligence?

Marla Stewart — Sat, 20 Sep 2014 16:44:38 +0000

With all the various types of intelligences out there in the world, there is one that I’m particularly keen to and that is sexual intelligence. Although I never framed it as sexual intelligence, essentially the keys to having a healthy sexuality lie in education, exploration and examination. It is the education of whatever it is that you are in sexually interested in, exploration of the activity that you want to happen and then finally examining your emotions and how your body felt to further determine if that’s a particular activity for you.

After reading Dr. Marty Klein’s book, Sexual Intelligence (2012), he tells of his three components of Sexual Intelligence (p. 55):

Information & knowledge – thinking about your fantasies, experiences and preferences, knowing yourself and your partner’s body and how it will act over time
Emotional skills (which let you use that knowledge) – nobody wants to be involved with someone who is rude, self-involved, scared of closeness and a terrible listener?
Body awareness and comfort (which let you express yourself and your knowledge) – vehicle attunement and enhancing the body’s tolerance for pleasure and intensity

In his book, he gives plenty of examples of the clients that he’s had over the past 30 years and how they have sexually related to each other. Basically, when you have sexual intelligence, you will start to truly enjoy your sex life and all the sexual experiences you may have. He breaks it down by each of these 3 components and helps you to understand all the different aspects of these categories. In essence, it’s about having emotional intelligence intertwined with knowledge and exploration around various sexual experiences.

I will be coming out with a book soon titled, The New Laws of Attraction: The Ultimate Guide To Total Seduction, which will feature more about Sexual Intelligence and how to use it in your daily life. In the meantime, check out Dr. Klein’s book!

Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It

Some HIV Facts that You May or May Not Have Known

Marla Stewart — Thu, 10 Apr 2014 21:41:31 +0000

As an HIV educator, tester and researcher, there are always new facts that come out about HIV that some people don’t know about. Most people, especially those under 30, have learned the basics on how HIV works and how it passes from person to person. Since the epidemic started in 80s, some of the Millenials haven’t experienced the devastation that this virus caused in its early stages. They didn’t experience the confusion and wrong assumptions that were made when it made its grand entrance on the scene.

Here are some BASIC FACTS that you should know:

1) HIV stands for Human Immunodeficiency Virus.

2) HIV can only be contracted through blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk. It CANNOT be contracted through saliva, sweat or urine.

3) The two most common ways that people contract HIV is through having unprotected sex and sharing needles.

4) HIV weakens your immune system if you are not being treated with anti-retroviral treatment (ART). When your body has broken down so much that your viral load is high and the cells that you need to keep you strong are low, you may be diagnosed with AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome).

5) Even though you may become HIV+, it’s not the end of the world as you know it. There are lots of people living healthy and happy lives because they are taking care of themselves and have access to treatment (there are many ways to get FREE treatment).

Here are some facts that you MAY NOT have known (that a person testing you will probably NOT say to you):

1) It is possible that you can test HIV- on a test if you are HIV+ because rapid tests have a window period of 3 months (whoops – they tell you this). If you are knowingly HIV+ and you test HIV- on a test, it may be because your viral load is so low that you are undetectable.

2) It is possible to have a false positive on your rapid HIV test if you already have a disease that compromises your immune system. It’s better to get a blood test for HIV.

3) It is easier to get HIV if your system is already compromised with other bacterial or viral infections (over 80% of women don’t realize they have BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) which makes them more susceptible to HIV and other infections).

4) It is possible to have a healthy baby with two parents who are HIV+. Sperm & Eggs do not carry the virus. The baby is actually resistant to the disease. The only way that the baby’s health might be compromised is if the mother gets another type of infection.

5) It is a felony if you are HIV+ and knowingly infect another person.

6) There are many different strands and combination of strands of HIV, so just because you have HIV and your lover has HIV, it doesn’t mean that it’s okay to have sex. When you combine different strands, the medications that you have might not work with the strand(s) that you might acquire.

7) There is a DNA gene that is resistant to HIV, but it’s really rare to have. If you’re born here in the US, you probably aren’t resistant.

8) PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) is a medication you can take to prevent you from getting HIV if you have HIV+ lovers. However, it does not help with other sexually transmitted infections.

9) If you are HIV+ and your viral load is low, passing the virus is much harder to do.

Although getting HIV can be a life-change, know that it’s not the end of the world if you become infected. With any infection or disease, there are ways to manage it according to your lifestyle and you just have to take care of yourself the best way you can. Arm yourself with the all the knowledge that you can in order to have a healthy and happy sex life. A sex-positive attitude starts with knowing your status.

Vulva 101

Marla Stewart — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 13:30:00 +0000

Although we talk a lot about the vulva, I’ve noticed when I talk to women and men, they often don’t even know all the parts of the vulva, even when it’s their own! Not only is it my job to educate and empower individuals with the knowledge that they can have for a lifetime, but it’s my job to explain everything that the vulva is capable of and how its beauty is addictive to those who are fans. However, since it’s a brief 101, we’re only going to cover the basics very briefly. If you should have a question about a certain part, please feel free to email me!

Let’s start from the bottom and go to the top:

The anus – Although the anus is not part of the vulva, it’s a very important part. It has many nerve endings and can facilitate in pleasure if done in the correct way. You can also access the G-Spot through the anus. Remember to prepare the anus ahead of time for the most pleasurable results.

The perineum – This is the area that is between the anus and the vaginal canal; one of the entrances into the vulva. It is also an erogenous zone and on the other side of the perineum is the pelvic floor (which, if you are doing your Kegel exercises, you should know what these feel like).

The vaginal canal/opening – One of the best things about the vulva is the entrance to the vaginal canal. The pleasure that comes with just touching the entrance can be a titillating experience. Remember, the mucous membranes of the vaginal canal can feel pleasurable when touched, so take your time and explore that area.

Urethral opening – In addition to urine, ejaculate (which has the consistency of water) will come from this opening. When the G-Spot is stimulated, the ability to ejaculate is available and come with or without orgasm. It is also located in the mucus membrane right above the vaginal opening, but before the clitoris. It is an extremely tiny hole and easy to miss, but can be seen by the human eye!

Inner and outer labia – Outside of the mucus membrane, you have the inner labia. Outside of the inner labia is the outer labia. The purpose of the labia is to protect the urethral and vaginal opening. The labia range in size, shape and are not always symmetrical.

Clitoris & clitoral hood – Right above the urethral opening is the clitoris. It can range in size and can be as small as the tip of a pinky or as large as a thumb. It may or may not be covered by the clitoral hood, which is designed to protect the clitoris and the nerve endings. Particularly, with people who have higher testosterone levels, the clitoris tends to be bigger. In addition, the clitoris’ only function is pleasure.

Mons pubis – Above the clitoris is the mons pubis. You can press down on the mons pubis to stimulate the G-Spot. The function of the mons pubis is to protect the inner organs and it also secretes pheromones after puberty. The fatty tissue that develops over the pubic bone also acts as protection during sexual interaction.

Now that you have your 101 information for the vulva, stay tuned next week for penis 101!

Why Velvet Lips are Personal & Political

Marla Stewart — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:34:14 +0000

It all started when I was in the second grade. My mom was teaching me sex education because she didn’t want me to become a teenage mother like herself and go through what she went through. I never thought anything of it, especially because she talked about it every year.

When I started my period at 13, the pressure was turning up and she often said, “If you need to go to the doctor about anything, I will take you; no questions asked.” Although it was comforting, I knew it wasn’t true. My mom is nosy enough, but I was just happy that she wasn’t overbearing. Then I turned 16.

With my first boyfriend in tow, again, she gave me a life lesson that I will never forget: “When you’re old enough to go buy condoms yourself, then you are old enough to have sex.” After 5 months of being together, I felt that I was ready, so I went over to the local grocery store and bought some condoms. And although I had fun when I had sex, it was just that. Just fun. It was fun faking an orgasm. You know what kind of orgasm I’m talking about – the ones you see/hear from the better porn collection. For him, it was great and for me, it was fun faking it (I wanted to be an actress at the time).

Flash forward to college. More and more I started to get involved with the sexuality courses at my school and for some reason, my persona emanated sex, so naturally everyone (friends and strangers) would talk to me about their sex lives and I would ask them tons of questions regarding their sex lives. Everyone was so willing to answer, so naturally I believed that this was my calling. I wasn’t getting famous from my acting skills anytime soon, so I started changing directions.

One day, Dr. Ruth came into our Variations in Human Sexuality class. That’s the moment where I knew that that is what I wanted to do. I figured that I could do the things that she’s doing, but I can make it sexier. I wanted to project free sexuality like Josephine Baker with the intelligence of a famous Black Sex Therapist. I wanted to draw people in like moths. That, and when I asked my friends if they were having orgasms, they looked at me as if “orgasm” was a foreign word. From then on, I decided that I wanted to empower women to have more orgasms and to be free with their sexual wants, needs and desires. If women aren’t happy, the world isn’t happy and I’m on a mission to make the world a better place.

My mom (the best mom in the world) said something that resonates with me every day. She said, “If you want something bad enough, you make the time for it.” And it’s true. When I’m up at 3 o’clock in the morning working on Velvet Lips stuff, it’s because I’m determined to get something finished. I wish I had the same motivation for working out as I do for my company, but that’s a subject for another day.

When I started my company, Velvet Lips, in March 2010, I had an ongoing battle on whether I had the time or desire to do a blog. Now, here I am in August of 2011 and am finally comfortable with getting it started. Although I’m not super familiar with blogging, it’s nice to read them every once in a while. I’ve grabbed bits of information here and there, but I’ve never commented on anything. I guess everyone has their opinions and expertise which could be useful to read, but in this world of short attention spans, it seems like I hardly have the time (seems to be a running theme in my life).

So I titled this particular blog based on myself, of course. I named the company after myself and the tantalizing effects that happen when you say “Velvet Lips.” Go ahead; say it slowly in your sexy, deep voice. Now picture that image in your head. It’s a sexy one and it can mean so many different things. If you have a pair (or more!) of your own, I invite you to touch them. Don’t they feel great?

My Velvet Lips are personal and political in every way, but don’t let the feminism fool you. Velvet Lips knows how to communicate in ways that are seductive, enchanting and omnipotent.

With that said, this blog will be

Sexual
Informative
Empowering
Unapologetic
Fun
Personal
Political, and
Sexy

And it will include

References from my personal life – past, present and future
Reflections from my workshops and coaching sessions
References to other peoples’ sexuality work, and
Announcements
And so much more!

So now you need to get on the bandwagon and look for more! So far, I’m looking forward to joining the blogging and micro-blogging community and hope to develop more followers! Talk to you soon!
Xoxo, marla