After my tear-fest, a friend and I attended an event called: “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore: The REAL effects of social change and mental health on our relationships”. The event’s title made me laugh. I thought it was incredibly negative – love does live here. I’m not sure where it is, but it’s around, right?!

However, as the discussion unfolded, I found that the subject at hand wasn’t a laughing matter. The hosts presented sobering statistics about the state of relationships today. Here’s what really stood out to me:

– People aren’t getting married like they used to. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all 20-somethings were married. In 2008, just 26% were hitched, according to the Pew Research Center.

– About 50% of millennials (aged 18-34) say marriage is “unnecessary.”

–  In 1970, more than 60% of African Americans were married. In 2008, that number dropped to a measly 28%.

– People are getting married at an older age. For instance, in 1950, black and white women were equally likely to be married by the time they were 20. Fast forward to 2010 – the average age a black woman gets married is 30; the average age for a white woman is 26.

The numbers don’t lie! The prospect of marriage seems pretty bleak if you are like me: black, over the age of 25, not in a relationship. However, I’m a firm believer that there are things we can do to change the direction of where relationships are headed. Here are some things that I’ve started to focus more on:

COMMUNICATE!!! – I can’t stress how important communication is in any type of relationship. We need to TALK to each other. And texting, Facebook chat, and direct messaging each other on Twitter does NOT count. I am speaking about face to face, honest and open interaction with one another. And if it can’t be done face to face, we need to make the effort to call and talk. Speaker and author Enitan Bareola says it best: “We’re connected to devices that connect us closer to people, but we’re more disconnected than ever…Avoid texting, skyping & emailing and just show up and be present. It’s rare. Actions speak louder than SMS.”

BE OPEN – Keep an open mind about people and experiences. Consistently try new things and make an effort to meet people. I’m a really social person, so I decided to give speed dating a try. I saw a really cute guy at the grocery store, so I decided to strike up a conversation with him. I wouldn’t have normally done that, but, hey, something new, right? You never know how far a simple ‘hello’ could go. Also, be open to who you are willing to date. Many of us have an ideal type of person we want to be with. Don’t let your idea of a “perfect person” prohibit you from getting to know someone who might not come in the package you wanted or expected.

STAY POSITIVE – The facts and figures listed above can be very depressing, but I believe we have the ability to change course. We can’t keep feeding into the hype that the state of relationships is bad. Instead, let’s focus on positive and productive actions we can do to cultivate good relationships. Those actions include communication, being open & having a positive mindset. I’m reading the book “The Secret.” The book refers to the Law of Attraction, which is “we attract whatever we think about, good or bad.” I encourage you to think positive and still hope and believe you will find a mate.

Earlier, I mentioned crying at work. Here’s why: during my shift, my friends called me to let me know they were engaged! These amazing friends of mine, millennials, black, and totally in love decided to take their relationship to the next level. I cried because I was incredibly happy for them. I cried because I was excited about the journey they were about to take with each other. And a little bit of me cried too because they gave me hope. In my heart of hearts, I believe love still lives here. And I hope I will find it.

As a cisgender person curious about what I don’t know, especially around transgender bodies, I am truly grateful about what I came to learn.  When transgender folks are in the media (a’ la Janet Mock, Chaz Bono & Laverne Cox), as a cisgender person, we are quick with the questions about body changes.  Sometimes this can lead to two things: 1) fetishization of transgender individuals or 2) loving curiousness and acceptance of bodily differences (if they have them).

I learned A LOT last night, so I wanted to share with you what I already knew and also what I learned in this deep, intense, loving and appreciative conversation:

1)      Just because someone transitions doesn’t mean that their attractions change.  Of course when you are in the queer community, you have a lot more access to your sexuality with varying degrees of attractions toward different people and it’s easier for you to recognize, but sometimes, when it comes down to it, some of us just have preferences that really turn us on.

2)      Use the right language!  Sometimes, it takes transfolks a little time to adjust and really know the language they want to use for their genitalia, so be patient.  Once they’ve figured it out and you’ve had many discussions about it, use the language appropriately – and don’t forget the dirty talk!

3)      Don’t make assumptions of what transgender folks like and don’t like regarding their sexuality and sexual actions.  This, again, takes many conversations.  You don’t want to inject a source of trauma in their sexual relationship with you because it can be traumatizing to them and to you and might deter you from being with another transgender person in the future.

4)      Have a supportive network.  This goes both ways.  Not only for the transgender person that you are having a sexual relationship with, but also for yourself.  Self-care is a necessary and vital piece of having a healthy sexuality.  Sometimes, communities are not as accepting, so it’s up to you to find people who are supportive of your actions.

5)      Have fun!  There are so many different types of people in this world, and I believe that if you don’t know about something, educate yourself!  When you’re educated, you have the ability to let go of the assumptions and the stigma and purely enjoy yourself.

For those more interested in transgender sexuality, I highly suggest attending the upcoming FTM Fitness Conference, which has a lot of resources and transgender people who will be discussing all the various facets of transgender sexuality.

Cheers To Your Sexual Success!

Think about when you get a new friend…you start off really interested and ready to hang out with them all the time, but you know eventually those feelings of wanting to hang out with them all the time fade and you get comfortable.  However, think about if you were intimate with them.  The emotional attachment and experiencing sensuality and intimacy on an extremely energetic level spikes those oxytocin levels (in addition to those dopamine levels) and most people get wrapped up in the passion of what becomes NRE.

A lot of people think that when their partner cheats, it’s because they are not doing something to keep them.  That can definitely be the issue unless your partner has an addiction to sex or some other issue that has their willpower wavering.  However, if they don’t, there are definitely things you can do to keep the NRE in your current relationship to prevent your partner from straying and preventing the emotional (or physical) damage that can happen if your partner cheats.

1)      Be clear on your needs.  Communicate what you want in the relationship and negotiate what you need to sustain the sexuality in your relationship.  Talk about the things that turn you on and if you are a person who likes to experiment, make sure those needs are getting met in some way or another.  Whether you negotiate on trying something new every week or once a month, talk about what you need in order to keep that loving feeling for your partner.

2)      Change up your appearance.  One of the reasons why people get wrapped up in NRE is because it’s a change of scenery.  It’s a new person in different clothes and a different way of life.  You can do the same by changing up your appearance.  Grow out your hair/beard or do a different hairstyle.  Get a new outfit and surprise your lover; maybe some sexy lingerie or decorative boxers/briefs to set the mood.  Whatever you can do to change up your appearance every once in a while will help sustain the “newness” of your relationship.

3)      Require date nights.  It’s important to go on dates and spend quality time with your partner.  If you can go out once a week to a picnic, a movie, dinner, or special event, you help sustain that energy that got you in the first place.  I think it’s a bonus if you alternate weeks and make sure you hold each other accountable for creating new energy in the relationship.  It also helps with making purposeful effort, rather than being comfortable and settling on the humdrum life of day-to-day.

4)      Show your partner you care about them.  Sometimes we get so caught up on our own needs that we fail to see what our partner really enjoys or what they need.  Does your partner need a new watch?  New lingerie?  Does your partner need their car washed or for you to cook dinner for them?  Maybe they want a bath or a massage and need you to help them relax.  Maybe they just need a hug and/or a passionate kiss to sustain the energy they need to be interested in you.  Those reminders are the best because they are able to take you back in time to remember the exact feeling that you felt when you first entered into the relationship.

With that said, I truly believe that NRE can be a cause of cheating in relationships, but there’s definitely a way to prevent this from happening.  Be proactive in your relationship to sustain and regenerate new relationship energy get to learn your partner every single day.  Pay attention to your partner, recognize when they evolve and always create new ways to celebrate with them.

1. Polyamory=Flexibility. Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.
2. Communicate your desires and limits honestly to help specify a mutual destination.
3. How do you feel about Fluid Bonding and the STD risks that increase with each partner?
4. What are your social, emotional, and sexual needs and how will they be met.  What influence will meeting those needs have on your relationship?
5. What is sacred in your relationship?
6. What are you willing to know about what your partners are doing with other partners?
7. DO NOT make rash decisions while you’re high on NRE (New Relationship Energy).
8. Jealousy.  When it happens take a step back, and look at what triggered that response. Was it a thwarted expectation, breakdown in communication?  Is your lover’s new partner hotter or younger than you?
9. You are responsible for your own happiness, and so is your partner.  But in times of dejection commit to supporting your partner through those feelings.
10. Remember the heart has an infinite capacity for love, no one can be replaced and new partnerships do not decrease love for another partner.
11. Drop fear.  Stop researching and reading about polyamory+open relating, and LIVE IT and have those uncomfortable, hard conversations.

Number 9 provided a missing piece for me.  I realized early on that I was responsible for my own happiness, but failed to allow or give support.  I’d ignore or dismiss my partner’s feelings of anger, pain, or sadness, since that was his problem.  What a simple concept and easy question to ask, “Is there anything that I can do that will help you feel better, or what will make you more comfortable?”   I’m not looking forward to the next emotional challenge, but I can’t wait to expand my communication and genuinely take interest in a resolution.   And then I thought about what I love and hate about my open/poly lifestyle: Love-   1. I can be honest.  I don’t have to lie to my boyfriend, even though because of some undiagnosed personality disorder I still, sometimes, do.   2. I love meeting and exploring new entanglements, while maintaining my primary relationship.  The heart has an infinite capacity for love and I never have to choose between freedom and adoration.   3.  I’m more accepting of other people’s lifestyle choices.  V’s, triads, compound living, monogamy, cults, cross dressers, wizards and warlocks.  My heart is bursting with love and acceptance and I spend far less time trying to understand other people’s choices.   4. My friend and family stock has increased 10 fold!  So my lover’s lovers are my friends…and then now their kids are my semi-kids and those grannies and aunties belong to me!  The family tree is complicated and no one will entrust me with picking up the children from day care…but my extended family has taken care of me in grave times of illness and despair.   5. I am learning to communicate beyond my wildest imagination.  Ever had a 3 hour conversation about your feelings without kicking your lover in the chin and storming out of the house?  I have, just recently. Hate-   1. Unlearning Jealousy – The non-hierarchical arrangements where relationships are not placed in order of importance clash with my princess syndrome symptoms.  I must be number one, by command and when I say so.  Poly life and being raised as an only child clash, BIG TIME.  If my lover is spending time with someone else, I still WANT his full attention…which is impossible…AND I don’t give a damn.   2. Monogamous people don’t get it and they assume I’ve chosen this lifestyle so that I can have sex with any man I make eye contact with.  A friend asked me, “What’s the point of having a relationship if you get to fuck other people?”  “Do you think he really cares about you if he’s ok with you having sex with other men?” “Aren’t you afraid of catching xyz?”  I haven’t come up with an appropriate well received answer, instead of wanting to yell “Fuck you very much.”   3. I still have a few lurking fears:  Will I end up on Maury Povich, running off of the stage because my baby’s father is lover number 1, but I really wanted it to be lover number 2?  How will I do this dual living situation if no one will cook or clean the bathroom?  What if I wake up one day, and discover my poly lifestyle was an undesirable symptom of a brain tumor…what if I just plain change my mind?   4. Just because I love orange soda doesn’t mean I want to drink or taste yours…or…yes, I love socks, but I won’t steal your socks.  In other words, just because I’m open, in NO WAY does this mean I want to date, sleep with or even share a sentence with, coworkers, friends, friends of friends, and the husbands and boyfriends of friends.  I have boundaries!   5.   I still hide.  I hate that.

Tia Marie, aka the Vixen Voyager, hails from Houston, TX and has been in Atlanta for over 13 years. By day she serves as a manager for Branded Entertainment and Integrated Media. And by night…a creature of creativity: stage-manager, voyeur, event planner, writer, lover and juicer of strange veggies. She’s been navigating through the cross sections of eroticism, sensuality and social limits for nearly 10 years. While she holds a B.A in Mass Communications, she learned mostly from her peers and through practical play in elevators, swingers clubs, sensuality workshops/events and training. She’s equally soft and attentive and plans to take on Atlanta’s erotic scene and share her escapades.  Her quenchless desires include sex, food and the supernatural.  You can contact her at tia@velvetlipsllc.com.

Most communication is non-verbal. Apparently, when you talk to someone, the total impact of the message is influenced in 3 ways: 7% of what you say, 38% on how you say it, and 55% on the gestures that you make while saying it, according to various studies and books. Feel free to search that. I found multiple sources citing the same info, so I’m not really sure where it all originated.

For me, that doesn’t say much. It makes sense, but that’s not everything. You really have to understand what type of learner that person is to understand the depths of communication, as well as what type of learner you are.

There are 3 types of learners: Audio (ears), Visual (eyes), and Kinesthetic (touch).

You can connect to people based on these specific qualities. Audio people will remember information just by what you say and how you say it. To communicate with an audio learner, try to be witty with your speech or say alluring words. Also, use inflections if you ever want to see them again. A visual person will listen to the information by the gestures you use while you’re talking. To connect with them, use a lot of hand movements and if you’re telling stories, make sure you give specific visual details and paint a picture with your words. To get a kinesthetic person to listen to something you say, touch them while you’re talking to them. They will listen to what you say based on how you touched them. It’s also possible to be a combination of two or more – the more ways you can learn, the better!

So how do you know what type of learner a person is? It’s simple:

An audio person

A visual person

A Kinesthetic person

As of this moment, I’m a visual and kinesthetic person. As far as being visual, I tend to space out if something triggers an idea in my head, I love glitter and shiny objects and am totally fascinated by spectacular lighting. If the house is really messy, I have to clean up before I can start on a project and if something spectacular walks in the room, I will surely notice. As a kinesthetic person, I will listen to you if you are touching me somehow (most of the time), I like to be involved in any action or activities, I like to touch other people (most of the time) and if there’s more than one thing happening, I’m easily distracted. Knowing these things about myself help me to stay focused because I can recognize when I’m distracted and get back on track. Knowing these things about other people help me to communicate to them better and connect with them easily.

No wonder people are always telling me about their sex lives.

Now, of course some folks might be limited on their ability, so don’t think of these things as a totally permanent fixture on your personality. Like most things it can be fluid and change from time to time. It’s important to recognize the moment that you’re in and take advantage as necessary; especially, when it comes to the Power of Seduction©. Stay tuned for Part Two.