This week, I was hanging out with some close friends of mine and they were discussing a person who had sexuality issues.  Not just issues, like, they’re an incompatible lover (with a lot of people), but overall how they were trying to vie for someone’s attention in an unhealthy and overbearing matter.  You know, things like, pretending to be interested in things that the other person is interested in when they don’t have a clue or taking classes that they think will help them to be a more interesting person.

Most people in this world just want to belong in one way or another and some people try so hard that they don’t even know what they like for themselves.  When you ask someone what they desire for themselves, it’s interesting to see their blank face (if they have one).  Some of us have been so conditioned to please others that we haven’t even taken the time to see what we desire for ourselves.  Especially when it comes to sexuality, people shy away from knowing what makes them really aroused.  Sexual desire is something that is so present, yet some folks want to repress that energy.  They’d rather get distracted by something else than face their own horniness.

With that said, here’s 3 ways to invoke your own sexual desire:

1)       Go out and explore the world and see whom/what you’re attracted to.  This requires you moving out and about in the world and doing what you love to do, as far as hobbies and other non-sexual likes.  It might even include watching various aspects of porn and seeing whom/what turns you on.

2)      Evaluate your desire and see where it has manifested in your life.  Most desires you have can be “rooted” somewhere.  The kinds of questions you need to ask for yourself are “Where did this desire come from?  How does this desire make me feel?  Do I feel like this desire can empower my sexuality?  Why or why not?”  Thinking about these questions will really help you see why you have other emotional reactions as well and can also help you propel your sense of power.

3)      Act on your desire.  Provided that your desire isn’t illegal or hurts someone else, acting out your desire could really solidify why you like what you like and if you would like to do it again.  I’m a fan of the “3 strikes” rule where I will try anything that I seem to like about 3 times and determine if that particular desire is good for me to act out or if it’s better to keep it as a fantasy.  Keeping it as a fantasy has its advantages, especially when you are in need of reaching that orgasm that you want so dearly.

The bottom line is, it’s better to know your own desires, so at least your partner(s) can know what exactly turns you on.  For most people, they love to please their partner(s) and to be one step ahead can really provide some of the confidence that you need to foster your ego and solidify your prowess with your partner.

Recently, I received an email from an aging man who was a virgin (yes, a real 50-year-old virgin) and he expressed to me that although he felt attraction for all types of people, the thought of having sex didn’t pique his interest. It seemed like too much work when he watched porn and he felt that if he was a sex worker that he could have sex with folks and then he would know if he is actually sexually attracted to someone. His problem was that he felt that he didn’t have those opportunities. 

​My first piece of advice was to meditate and hear his spirit and maybe that he would hear something. My second piece of advice was to go to a swinger’s club and experiment with different people who he is attracted to, but he didn’t like that advice either. He was solidly convinced that he might never be intimate with someone and I could feel the sadness in his words. 

​The fact of the matter is, is that it’s never too late to know what your sexuality entails. Our sexuality changes all the time, so it’s always necessary to constantly re-evaluate what we like and what we don’t like. Sometimes, when we do the same things over and over, we fail to get to know our fantasies better. We fail to foster our sexuality and we fail to exert the energy necessary to explore and embody that sexual energy. 

​However, there’s also the possibility that not being sexually attracted to people might mean that you’re asexual. Fostering sexual energy into your romantic and intimate relationships look different for those who are asexual, as opposed to those who aren’t. Asexual folks feel that pressure to be sexual in sexualized world and that aids in stress. As children, if we were taught that it’s okay to be sexual and it’s also okay to not be sexual, the world would be a better place simply because you would be validated in your feelings without any judgment or explanation on why you feel that way. Less pressure, less stress and more happiness. 

​I don’t care how old you are, you are never too old to know (or get to know) your sexuality. Understand that romance, intimate or sexual relationships can have you experiencing a range of feelings and all those feelings are valid. However, there is always hope for your sexuality and all its many facets. If I had to give the last piece of advice for that man, it would be “Don’t give up on your sexuality. It’s that energy that sparks our creativity and our purpose in the world.”