As I’m hosting the Atlanta Pre-Release Book Party for More Than Two: An Ethical Guide to Polyamory by Eve Rickert & Franklin Veaux tonight and as the Atlanta Poly weekend is coming up this weekend, I thought I should share some of my thoughts about polyamory and what it means to me.

First, I think it’s quite amazing that this book is coming out.  From The Ethical Slut (1^st generation poly text) to Opening Up (the latest and greatest), this guide can be a catalyst towards sexual liberation examination and framework of various identities.  The reason I say this is because if you’ve ever seen any of the texts that these authors have put out, they have nailed a lot (if not, all) of the aspects around polyamory.

As a person who holds true to my heart with regards to sexual liberation movements, I think it’s very important to know yourself, first and foremost.  As a true experimenter (remember, I’ll try anything 3 times), my adventure into polyamory wasn’t great.  After trying it, I realized that although I agree with the philosophical content of what it means to be a polyamorist, practicing polyamory is not a reality for me.  So when people ask me if I’m poly or assume I’m poly, I usually say that I’m theoretically poly, but that I don’t practice poly.  And this works for me.  Knowing myself and knowing that I can’t handle more than one emotional and intimate relationship at a time feels good and right for me.

As I’ve talked to many poly folks over time, I’ve noticed a few themes:

1)      A lot of people state that they are poly (which I believe they are), but they don’t practice “ethical” polyamory, which has an overarching emphasis on communication with all parties involved.  This can give folks who are poly a “bad name” because people from the outside can view their behavior as too radical and unconventional and unrealistic for most people.  In reality, if a lot of people would admit their true desires in their attractions to multiple people and sustain effective communication between all parties, polyamory could really be free from stigma from the general population and laws can be formed to protect poly families.  In addition, this would be major progress in the current sexual liberation movement.

2)      Many poly folks thrive on NRE (New Relationship Energy), but sometimes have a hard time sustaining that energy and move on quickly (within 6 months or so).  With that said, I’ve had a hard time finding poly folks who are in long-term relationships with multiple partners.  Triads seem to be the most popular poly relationship constellation that are sustainable over a long period of time.  In addition, with couples who are poly, I’ve noticed that it’s usually mostly one who is doing most of the dating of other parties.  With that said, I’m curious to see if opposites truly attract and if there’s something to learn for one person who is poly and one who is not.  The compromise between both perspectives can truly be a unique source of learning that you wouldn’t get otherwise.

3)      Many poly folks accept that people come into your life for some reason or another, so short-term relationships don’t seem to have the same effect on their emotionality, as compared to those who are more monogamous-minded who keep their eye on possibilities of long term relationships.  Sure, they feel hurt once the relationship is dissolved, but the grieving process seems to go faster and smoother for poly folks.  I’m curious to know if knowing the possibilities of other relationships in their futures aid to quicker relationship recovery.  That’s something to think about for all those sexologists out there.

4)      Religiosity and polyamory are an interesting compromise.  In my experience, I would have to say that there are more non-religious folks who engage in polyamory and I’m wondering if it’s because of the spiritual-sexual divide that people may have, which has been so engrained in our culture.  Being here in the Bible Belt where Christianity has a tight grip, compromising your religion with your belief in how you truly feel about your multiple partnerships may feel confusing.  For those who have been able to compromise their religion and their poly lifestyle are rare, but again, the lessons that I’ve learned from them have been all about maintaining their authenticity to their Source and really engaging and practicing Love.

Although these are just a few lessons that I’ve learned over the years, they’ve really been helpful with getting to know the ever evolving changes of polyamory and the advancement in popularity in this lifestyle.  More and more people are learning what it means to be their authentic self, the importance of transparent and effective communication, and the advantages and disadvantages of other “alternative” sexual lifestyles.

Even if you don’t identify as polyamorous, I encourage you to see what you can learn from polyamorists and see how your sexuality and your sexual life can be improved from what they’ve practiced.  I know I’ve learned a lot and the benefits of learning truly outweigh the costs when it comes to this specific type of education.

Frolicon takes place every Easter weekend at an unassuming airport hotel in Atlanta. Surely the date is not a coincidence, as I can’t be the only attendee for whom the event was rebirth of sexuality after a long winter’s hibernation.

This was my first experience at such an event.  I was married and monogamous for over 20 years.  After the kids graduated college and the parenting was officially over,  my wife and I decided to split off and go down separate paths in order to make each of our lives more authentic.  As part of this task, I have been exploring parts of my sexuality that I packed up and put away while married.

Surprisingly, one of the most fun and unexpected parts of my experience has been the sharing of what I did and saw with some of my more “vanilla” friends. At first, these friends from my old life were judgmental about me being part of such an unusual and sexual event. I used this as an opportunity to turn the conversation to higher ground, and explained that the underlying rule of Frolicon is no means no! “It’s a Libertarian paradise!” I explained. Additionally, as I tend not to hang around those who themselves would often be called normal, my friends realized their contradictions and their surprise at my exploration quickly turned to interest.

Frolicon was about living more authentically, which requires knowing who you are and respecting all that it takes to be true to yourself.  You must know your own boundaries and moral code, thus breaking the codes that have been forced upon you.  At the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, the most important shrine in ancient Greece, there were two pillars that read “Know thyself” and “Everything in moderation.” Everyone on this journey in life must decide – who are you and what do you live for?

Choosing one’s environment is a most crucial choice to make.  What does your environment foster?  Your authenticity?  Or your submission to someone else’s authenticity?  Sometimes, you must drastically change your environment to find who you are. While my vanilla friends were unwittingly encouraging me to stay the same and not do things that would make them uncomfortable, my personal growth requires resistance to the call of statism. Frolicon was just the environment I needed to support this new journey.

While my vanilla friends might beg to differ, I didn’t get too wild and crazy with my first experiences at the con. I attended classes on fisting vaginas, erotic penis massage, breast and cunt torture, and polyamory 101.

In each of the classes, I noticed how professional the trainers were.  This made the experience feel both erotic and scientific.  It brought my mind and body into a greater synchronicity than I am used to in sex, and was a great way to start off my sexy spring awakening!

There were more varieties of classes and events than I could list in this post. There were classes on everything from relationship skills and beginner rope tying classes to speed dating and extreme BDSM play. I tried to keep my experiences in the middle ground, and found Frolicon people in general to be very pleasant and non-threatening.  The con felt like a safe place to explore sexuality without judgment or danger.  I look forward to going back and possibly staying overnight next time.

Two events that caught my attention were The Dark Room and The Masturbation Party.  I considered attending one or both of these and my partner/tour guide was willing to attend also.  I admire her freedom and strong boundaries, she is quite the inspiration for me.  I’m glad I offer her value as well and that we have a good trade in our relationship.  Usually I am not a man who lets fear dictate my choices, but I did not have the courage for either of those events at my first con.  It seems I have some more things to consider, and I like that!  Perhaps next year, as I am even more authentic, I will open up a little more.  Life is too short to hide, and Frolicon did indeed feel like a very safe place to explore my sexual identity.

One of the down sides of the event was the long lines to the elevator. There were many private parties happening in the private rooms, and I would have liked to take a tour. I suppose the choice of hotels available to host an event like this are limited, but the con staff made the best of the crowded lines with fun games to play and interesting things to see! The people watching was amazing!

The next event I will attend will be Atlanta Poly weekend in June. I am enjoying exploring the ethically non-monogamous aspect of sexuality as well as the kinky side. I look forward to writing a review of that as well.

Have a great summer, and strive to live more authentically.

Dan